Blog 5 - 11th April 2011

 Blog 5 – 11^th April 2011

Thursday 7^th April 2011

What did I eat today?
Breakfast   -       3 Eggs Scrambled

-             2 mushrooms sliced and 5 cherry tomatoes poached

Lunch                -       Morrisons Spring Vegetable, dry packet with 500mls of water

-             2 Ginger Nut Biscuits

Dinner       -       Chicken Breast Roasted in the Oven with 2 tbl spns Gravy

-             with Carrots, Broccoli and Garden Peas

-             Large bowl of fresh fruit and diet lemonade

-             (1/2 apple, 1 banana, 1 Satsumas, 6 strawberries,  12 raspberries,  24 blueberries and 20 grapes)

Today has been a day of ups and downs.  I walked the dog to Keld after dropping Bailey Bop to School.  It was a lovely day and I also, needed to get back to get all the washing done and sorted out.  Since starting at the gym and on this journey, I have fallen behind with all the clothes washing.  So I have about 5 loads to do as well as bedding.  Then there’s the hovering, dishes, polishing and general tidying up.  No rest for the wicked, I must have been really wicked in a previous life.  I have been craving something sweet today and felt as though I was flagging.  So I had a couple of Ginger Nut Biscuits.  It was all that I needed to help get me through the day.  I know that I shouldn’t have had them but things have been playing on my mind today and if I hadn’t had them then I’d end up eating loads of crisps and bread and that would not have been good. 

I’ve had messages from people about my blog.  In general most are very supportive but there is a minority that feel I shouldn’t continue with my blog the way that it is.  They only want me to talk about what I am eating and what exercise I carry out.  Also what my thoughts and feelings are that day.  They don’t want me to talk about my past.  They feel that it’s in the past and that it should stay there.  I have been asked to think of others and what they are thinking and feeling.  I am thinking about others.  I have always thought of others.  By keeping this quiet all these years, I’m made my life hell and they have been protected.  When someone asked me to stop this, I said “No”.  I asked them if my life was any less important than everyone else’s.  I asked, Have I to keep silent and continue to erode inside because I'm less important than everyone else? I'm sorry but I feel that you are way out of line to ask such a thing.  I know that not everyone will agree with what I am doing, but thought that those closest to me would be more understanding.  I feel like I’m a child again.  Being told by everyone what I should and shouldn’t be doing.  I feel that I’m not allowed to make the decisions I want to do without running them past every man and his dog.  The true reality of it is that I am an adult in my own right.  I am not that young child anymore and I need to and will do all that is within my power to finally put my awful past behind me for the last time. 

My past is what has made me what I am today.  So to go forward I have to address my past head on.  Until I do then I cannot go forward and this would all be a waste of time.

Tonight I said to Mike shall you and I take Oscar out for his walk?  He made his usual dry wit comment, that he didn’t want me spoiling his evening walk.  So I told him to GTF and do it himself then.  Just as he was ready to walk out of the door he said “Are you coming then?”  So off we went on our little jaunt around Shap.  The weather was stunning still and the views were lovely.  It was just what I needed, to feel invigorated again.  Back at the house we took off our muddy boots and I jumped into the shower.  Then a large glass of OJ and Diet Lemonade and a fruit bowl.

Friday 8^th April 2011

What did I eat today?
Breakfast   -       3 Eggs Scrambled

-             2 mushrooms sliced and 5 cherry tomatoes poached

Lunch                -       Banana and Diet Coke

Dinner       -       Garlic button mushrooms

-             Cajun Grilled butterfly chicken breast & Stir Fried Veg

-             ( red pepper, onions, yellow pepper, sliced mushrooms & celery)

-             Large glass of Fresh Orange and Soda

Today I got up and felt a bit low.  I haven’t been able to get any slim fasts as yet and I’m getting a bit bored of scrambled egg.  I’m off to Tesco tomorrow so I will hopefully pick up some then.  Took Bailey to school and walked the dog again.  Then it was back to the house, collect my gym kit and into the car.  The sun was shining high in the sky and I had put my jeans and a ¾ length sleeved top.  The drive to the gym was lovely and it perked me up.

I walked into the Gym and Steve was on the desk, he greeted me with a huge smile and lovely welcome.  He asked if I was ok and I said yes.  Then he said that he had to tell me, that he was very proud of me.  I was taken aback.  I was shocked.  I couldn’t understand why he would say such a thing.  He then began to tell me why.  It was because I have gone back into a gym after being away for 12 years and also because of my commitment to my journey.  He then said that even though they hadn’t been open a month they would like to make me Member of the month.  You could have blown me over with a feather.  That definitely wasn’t what I was expecting him to say.  To be quite honest it would not have even gone through my head.  The other day I said that I was grinning like a Cheshire cat, well this time was definitely a grin 100% bigger than that.  I was so happy.  I knew after my first couple of days as a member that I’d made the right decision to join Elite Fitness, but this just reiterated this.  I am a member of a larger family and not just a gym member.  Thank you Steve and Emma, you really have made my week.  When things were getting me down a little and I was beginning to question why I was doing this.  You both gave me back my faith.  You are stars and I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

So to my workout:  I did 10mins on the treadmill, warm up exercises and then onto the 3 circuits.  I pushed the weights up slightly today; the gym was roasting as the sun was beating in the windows.  I drank a whole bottle by the end of this part of the session.  I went onto the cv section and ploughed ahead.  I chose to do the 1000m row; I had the resistance at 7 and started rowing.  My target was 6mins but after what Steve had said to me, I pushed on harder.  I pushed and pulled harder and harder.  I needed to beat my time from Wednesday.  The sweat was pouring down my forehead and I was beginning to tire.  I finished.  My time was logged.  5mins 30secs I’d done it.  I’d beaten my time by a whole 30secs. I was ecstatic.  I wasn’t finished yet.  I still had the treadmill to do, so on I jumped, and set it for 15mins 2% incline at pace level 6.5 and off I went.  It was tough so 5mins into the workout I reduced it to pace level 6 and finished off the final 10mins.  I was finished and great.

I left the gym and went to the hairdressers.  I said that I fancied a change so Tasha did as I asked.  I had all over red highlights with darker colour all over.  When she finished it was lovely, just as I’d asked. 

Next it was off to my childminders to collect Bailey Bops and back home.  Daryl came in from school and we all went out for dinner, with Bailey’s childminder.  It was off to the Lowther Castle Pub in Hackthorpe.  Food was amazing and they were very accommodating with my diet requirements. 

Saturday 9^th April 2011

What did I eat today?
Breakfast   -       3 Eggs Scrambled

-             2 mushrooms sliced and 5 cherry tomatoes poached

Lunch                -       Grapes, Strawberry Slim Fast, skinny de-caf Latte

Dinner       -       Spicy Sweet Chilli Prawns

-             Salmon, side salad and carrots and broccoli

-             Large glass of Orange and soda

So much for it being a Saturday morning!  Bailey Bop was awake at 4am trying to get downstairs to play on the Wii.  What is it with kids?  They can’t get up through the week when they’ve got school.  But as soon as the weekend comes around they are up at ungodly hours.  I put him back to bed and told him that he could get up at 7am and I’d let him play the Wii then for 1 hour.  He went back to sleep.  I dozed in and out.  But heard him get up at 7am, he has his own built-in alarm clock.  We got up and got ourselves sorted.  Daz sorted himself out for his trip to his dad’s.  We got into the car and drove to Catterick Garrison.  The weather was lovely and the journey over was great.

I took Daz, to Tesco to get him some new clothes.  He’s lost so much weight in the last year.  He has gone from 13st 4lbs to 10st 6lbs.  He is looking fantastic for it and has more confidence.  He tried on some new jeans.  32” waist 32” leg, god he’s gone from a 36” waist down two sizes.  That’s why all his trousers are falling off him.  So we got them and a new t-shirt and a lovely pair or navy linen trousers and a nice checked shirt.  He also got a new electric tooth brush and some toiletries.  Why is it that kids constantly cost a fortune?  Anyway, it was back into the car and off to Pete’s, to drop him off. 

After dropping him off Bailey Bop and I went back to Tesco to do some food shopping and have some lunch in the new cafe.  The shopping was good and we got loads of nice food to eat.  Bailey Bop got a couple of DS games and a couple of Disney DVD’s.  We then went up to the cafe and tried to get something to eat.  Bailey had an Easter Sunday dinner with all the trimmings.  I on the other hand couldn’t find anything suitable.  Everything was either fried, had potatoes or pasta in it or was on bread.  So the only things which I could were grapes and a skinny de-caf latte.  Not good if you ask me.  But not to worry, I had a slim fast when I got back home. 

Before leaving Catterick, I paid one last visit to my house.  Well it’s not mine anymore.  Seeing as I completed on Friday.  I took the new owners a welcome to your new home card and a bunch of flowers.  It’s nice to be nice.  They weren’t there so I left them with a neighbour.  Then it was back home to Sunny Shap and a walk to Keld to walk the pest (Oscar).  Bailey ended up in the river with the dog and ended up soaking wet through.  So he had to be changed before we went to Carlisle with a friend for dinner and to see Hop at the cinema.

We went to Lloyds Bar for our dinner.  It was really busy, but we got our food and then went to the cinema.  VIP seats are so comfortable and spacious.  The movie Hop was good.  Wouldn’t it be just fantastic if rabbits pooped jelly beans instead of poo? I think so.  Definitely, much easier to clean up.

Sunday 10^th April 2011

What did I eat today?
Breakfast   -       Slim Fast Shake, banana
Lunch                -       Skinny de-caf Latte & a chicken salad at McDonalds

Dinner       -       Sweet Chilli Prawns on a bed of Salad

-             Baked Haddock on a bed of garlic stir fried vegetables

-             3 Pints of Grapefruit Juice and soda

Bailey was up at his usual time.  7am on a Sunday morning, but he played on the Wii and I went back to bed until 9am.  I was so tired.  I wanted to sleep longer but couldn’t as I really had to get up and see to Bop.  So we got ourselves sorted and then went to the castle in Penrith with a friend, her daughter and grandson.  Bailey loved playing with him and then we went to McD’s for lunch.  Our lunch was ok and then we went to the train station in Kendal to pick Mike up. 

After we got back to Shap, we took the pest to Keld again for an run around and a dip in the river.  He loved it and was jumping around like a puppy again.  Then off to the greyhound for dinner. 

So following on from blog 4; 

I never ever got an apology from Lynn’s uncle.  I was never ever told why he did such a thing.  I don’t even know if he was even asked.  He certainly never came forward and told us why.  I will never know.  He is long dead.  All that I can say is that he was in my words and evil man.  If I found out that any man did anything like that to any of my children then I would kill them.  I would do time personally as they don’t deserve to be walking on this earth.

Life seemed to go okay at Moredun.  I went back to live with my mum and “that man”.  I enrolled in a new school and started to make new friends.  I did find it a little difficult to settle at first.  There were still lots of thoughts and feelings going through my head.  I had great teachers.  Mrs Aird was tough but fair, Mrs Whitehead was lovely and Miss Harris was such a softie.  I don’t remember any others.  The school was made from tin with metal window frames.  It was a quirky school and I really liked it.  We had a swimming pool and I loved music, so started to learn to play the violin.  Lisa my youngest sister was born and that completed our family.  I had the large front bedroom at first.  We didn’t have any carpets down in the bedrooms as my parents couldn’t afford them at first.  Money was tight and if it wasn’t a necessity then we had to wait.  Food, heating and clothing were the priority. 

I had a friend who visited her aunty which lived next door, we play all the time.  When I was about 8-9 we were playing at houses.  “That Man” brought me into the house and up to my bedroom.  He questioned me, about what we were playing and asked if it we were pretending to play sex.  I told him we weren’t, but he didn’t believe me.  He said that we were lesbians and disgusting.  I didn’t play with her again. 

Mum started working nights.  This was to help make ends meet.  He never really seemed to keep a job down, as he either walked out of it as he fell out with the boss or there were other reasons.  Mum became a carer looking after elderly people in a home.  This was the first time that she had been away from home since all my sisters came along. 

I had to step forward and help out more.  Do the shopping, look after my sisters and tidy up the house.  When mum was working weekends I would have to babysit my little sisters while my “That Man” was out drinking.  At first I’d stay up and watch videos until quite late, The Wizard of Oz, Marry Poppins and Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.  Then it happened.  I was lying on the sofa with my blanket and watching Marry Poppins.  Mum was at work and “That Man” was out drinking.  If I remember correctly it was the holidays, he came in really drunk and climbed onto the sofa behind me.  He pulled me closer to him.  Then he lifted my nightie and started playing with me down below.  I tried to get off the sofa but he was holding me too tight.  I was squirming hard but he wouldn’t let go.  He put his hands up towards my breasts (what little I had) and started fondling them.  He was breathing all over me and it stank to the high heavens.  It was awful.  Tears started streaming down my face, I didn’t cry out loud but I was screaming inside.  I knew that he shouldn’t be doing that.  I knew it was wrong.  I was frightened.  It was just like Lynn’s uncle all over again.  I was stuck there for what seemed ages.  Eventually he fell asleep and started snoring.  I slid out from under his arms and sneaked upstairs to my bedroom, trying hard not to step on the stairs that creaked, just in case I woke him up.  I crept into my bedroom, climbed into my bed and cried myself to sleep.  Why had this happened to me again?  Why was I on the receiving end of yet more abuse?  Why? Why? Why?

The next morning he didn’t say anything to me.  I had my breakfast, got dressed, did my chores and tried to go out to play.  But he told me that I wasn’t allowed out as I’d spilled drink on the living room carpet and I had to clean it.  I hadn’t, but it was his way of controlling me.  Every now and again he would make me get into his bed, so that he could touch me like he’d done before.  This was always when my mum was at work.  When I said to him that I didn’t want to, he would put me over his knee and smack me with his leather belt.  It had a huge eagle buckle on it.  It really hurt.  He would make up all sorts of excuses to my mum why I wasn’t allowed to do stuff, why he had to smack me.  Like, he did for the rest of my time under his roof.

My mum didn’t know anything, when it was happening.  She only found out about this 4 years ago when I started my therapy.  My therapy only came about due to a visit that I had from Childrens Social Services.  2 women knocked on my door one Tuesday morning just after I’d put Bailey Bop to school.  They said who they were and could they come in and speak to me.  I let them in.  They asked me lots of questions, asked me if my children had contact with my “that man” and if they were with him when I wasn’t there?  I told them that the boys had been away on caravan holidays with “that man” and his wife.  They proceeded to tell me that they had received reports of several other incidents where “that man” had abused people and if I was to continue to leave my children with him, then they would be put on the AT RISK register.  I was shocked.  I had suppressed my feelings and memories for such a long time.  If I didn’t think about them then it didn’t happen.  If I didn’t think about it then I wouldn’t have to face the true reality of what had happened to me.  Also, a few days later I approached my GP to fill in forms as I required life insurance.  When my GP, went back on my records there was all the information about my abuse by Lynn’s uncle.  Then there was all my visits to the GP then with various ailments and issues,  all my hospital stays with nothing found wrong with me and it put down to Gastric Migraines (Stress).  I had let “that man” back into my life, put my children at potential risk and I’d let him take them away.  That was my light bulb moment.  That was the day I had to start dealing with my past.  This is why I am here today.

My body was beginning to change and I didn’t know what to do about it.  I was one of the tallest amongst my peers.  I was maturing and I didn’t want to.  I was also putting weight on.  At the age of 9-10 I was no longer able to fit into children’s clothes.  I had to buy adult size 12 clothes.  My addiction was beginning to win. Food was turning me into what I most despise today.  That, Fat and ugly woman.  I know it’s true when my son’s friends at school tell him that I am.  No matter how much I try to hide the fact.  They talk about obesity today in children, but I have lived with it for 30 years.  So for me it’s nothing new.

This blog is really going to open a lot of wounds with other people.  I hope that it helps them to deal with these issues and give them the courage to stand up and fight for what is right.  It will also cause some waves.  I would just like to ask everyone again, please, please, please do not approach my family with any questions.  They can’t give you the answers that you want.  Only I can.  It is opening a lot of wounds for them which they are not read to deal with right now.  Have some courtesy and think of them please.