Monday 11th April 2011
What did I eat today?
Breakfast - Scrambled Egg (2) & Poached mushrooms and cherry tomatoes
Lunch - Sweetcorn & Chinese Vegetable Soup, Skinny de-caf latte
Dinner - Chicken & Vegetable stir fry in an oyster & spring onion sauce
- Large bowl of fresh fruit and Fat Free natural yoghurt
- ( 1 banana, 6 strawberries, 12 raspberries, 24 blueberries and 10 grapes)
I got up early this morning to get Bailey Bop ready to go to Blackpool Zoo with Oaklea Trust. But, silly me I was a day early. He doesn’t go until tomorrow. I must be losing it. Mike is home as he’s booked the day off work, to recover from his weekend away at the Grand National and his Stag Weekend. I couldn’t go anywhere until the builder from JS Wilkinson came to look at the building plot for Bailey Bops extension. So once he went, we jumped into the car and I went to the Gym.
On the way to the gym, I received a call from my youngest sister to say that the “Shit” had hit the fan. “That man” and his 4th wife had found out about this blog and were causing waves. So this was why I had 2 missed calls on Saturday night when I came home from the cinema. That explains everything. It was upsetting my sister under me and the 2nd youngest. They are not happy with this and with the updates being posted on my facebook page. So as a compromise, I am no longer posting my updates on my page with the link. If you are reading this then you are either following it or someone has told you of an update. I was angry at the fact that he could stand and blatantly deny that he’s done anything at all. All that he wants is a quiet life! No thought to how he changed my whole life forever.
When I got into the Gym I swiped in and went straight to the changing rooms. I was really angry and fuming. I started my workout, with vigour and passion. I completed the majority of my circuits in no time at all. I had even pushed my weights up by 5lbs on every exercise so to make work harder. Then it came to the rowing machine. I programmed in the distance 1000m and started rowing. As I was rowing I could feel the anger welling up inside of me. All the emotions of the day were going through my head. I pulled and pulled as if my life depended on it. At 500m it said that I had completed this in approx 2min 47secs. I was determined to beat my Friday time so I pulled harder and harder, quicker and quicker. 100m to go and it was 4min and 50 seconds. I needed to put a huge dent into the time and really pushed for the last 100m. At the end of it I was exhausted, but I’d beat my time 5min 9secs, Yipppeeeee. I’d did it. Get on. My final exercise for the day was the treadmill. I set it and off I went, level 2 incline with a pace of 6.5. It was a little fast for walking but I needed to push myself. 15mins and I’d come to my cool down. The gym today was busier than usual. It was nice to see it busy but I must say I do like having it to myself as I am still very conscious of my body shape and size. I still feel like a big fat ugly nobody and I don’t think that I’ll feel any different until the weight comes off. The workout was great and I felt amazing.
After my shower, we went to the Building Society and paid off the mortgage for the house. What a great feeling. 37 and mortgage free, I never thought 9 years ago I’d ever be mortgage free at such a young age. We then went to the Narrowbar Cafe and I had soup and a latte. Mike and Bailey Bop had a drink and chocolate caramel shortbread. Just to make me jealous. Then it was home.
I phoned my mum and she informed me, “That Man” had turned up at her house with the tears flowing and protesting his innocence. Funny that. I hadn’t even posted my 5th blog at this point. He also, pulled my Nana out of her club and told her. He had no right. She’s a frail older lady and didn’t need to know. I had a message from one of my sisters on Facebook, telling me to stop this again. I know that she is hurting and upset, but I’m really sorry I can’t do that. If I were to give up now, then again “That Man” would have won and got away with it. The amount of support messages, comments and e-mails I’ve had of recently are very heart-warming. Thank you, you can’t begin to believe what it means to me.
I had my fruit salad with natural yoghurt and finished off my 5th Blog and then posted it. After that I went to bed as I was totally shattered.
Tuesday 12th April 2011
What did I eat today?
Breakfast - Banana Slim Fast with skimmed milk
Lunch - Morrisons Minestrone Soup, dry packet with 500ml water & Banana
Dinner - Baked Salmon with a little Extra Light Philly on the top
- Steamed Veg (Carrots, Cauliflour, Dwarf Beans and mini sweet corns)
- Large glass of Fresh Orange and Diet Lemonade
No Gym today. I had Bailey Bop was at Blackpool Zoo with Oaklea trust which meant that I could catch up with the mountain of housework, ironing and washing. Nothing happened of any interest today and the house seemed really quiet as Daz was still at his dad’s.
Wednesday 13th April 2011
What did I eat today?
Breakfast - Strawberry Slim Fast with skimmed milk
Lunch - Morrisons Spring Veg Soup, dry packet with 500ml water & Banana
Dinner - Spicy Schezwan Chicken Stir Fry with mixed Veg
- Large glass of Fresh Orange and Diet Lemonade
Well got up bright and early. Got my kit ready for the Gym and tried to get someone to look after Bailey Bop. No luck with that. So I couldn’t go to the Gym today. I’m gutted as I am now not going to be able to get to the Gym until Wednesday of next week. I suppose only the walks to Keld are going to have to do. I made Meatballs and Spaghetti for mike and the boy’s dinner. It looked lovely but I wasn’t allowed. I also paid for the balance of my surgery. I had £8,450.00 still to pay. So I telephoned the WLS Group and paid my balance. When I came off the telephone I felt relieved. It was finally done. I’m all excited, only 14 days to go and I’ll be in the Spire Manchester Hospital and having my surgery. The clock is ticking and there’s no going back now. Not that I’d want too. I’ve come this far and tried so hard with everything.
Thursday 14th April 2011
What did I eat today?
Breakfast - Banana Slim Fast with skimmed milk
Lunch - Morrisons Minestrone Soup, dry packet with 500ml water & Banana
Dinner - Turkey breast, parsnips, carrots, peas, cauliflour
- 6 Pints of Lager
I was away from about 2pm to a wedding over in Billingham at Wynnyard Hall. We got to the Premier Inn and booked in. Dropped our bags and went to the Toby Carvery next door. 3:30pm and we had our first drink. A pint of Carling tops and it was nectar. I’ve not had a drink since Wembley and the atmosphere was great and all the family met us there. We were in bed for 11pm as we had an early rise in the morning for breakfast and the hairdressers.
Friday 15th April 2011
What did I eat today?
Breakfast - Leek Veggie Sausage, 2 crispy bacon, 2 poached eggs, mushrooms & 2 half freshly grilled tomatoes
- Fresh Orange Juice & Skinny decaf latte
Lunch - Roast Beef, carrots, green beans, peas, Fruit CompoteDinner - 3 slices bacon and tomato
- 3 glasses of wine, 12 vodka & diet coke
I was awake at 6am, frightened that I’d slept in. So I got up had my shower and then went to breakfast. Premier Inn Breakfasts are to die for. Freshly cooked to order and very healthy. Yum yum. I went to the Hairdressers for 9am then it was back to the hotel to get ourselves ready for the wedding as we were getting picked up at 11:30am. The Hall was breath taking and I was in awe of the marble, architrave, paintings and grounds. The wedding ceremony was being held in the Chapel on the grounds and it was stunning. Then onto the meal, we had roast beef dinner and loads of veg. Drink was disgustingly expensive. It was £3.70 for a Sol or Peroni, £7.50 for a 250ml of wine and £5.30 for a single vodka and diet coke, it wasn’t even Smirnoff! So in-between the wedding lunch and the evening party starting Mike went to the off licence to get some booze. From 11:45am – 6:30pm we’d spent £100 and weren’t even tipsy!
In the evening there was a live band and they were totally amazing. We never came off the dance floor all night. I was worrying about not making it to the gym but that was the best workout I’d had in ages. The transport came for us at 12:30 and we went back to the hotel. What a fantastic time was had by all. A truly amazing time.
Saturday 16th April 2011
What did I eat today?
Breakfast - Leek Veggie Sausage, 2 crispy bacon, 2 poached eggs, mushrooms & 2 half freshly grilled tomatoes
Lunch - Mango Smoothie
Dinner - Homemade chilli, prawns and chorizo sausage
- Diet Lemonade & 3 Vodka & diet cokes
I was up, showered, dressed and in breakfast by 8:30am. I can never sleep late the day after a night on the booze. So I sorted myself out and went into Middlesbrough shopping. I popped into Primark and picked up 2 pairs of new PJ’s for going into hospital, a couple of pairs of linen trousers and a lovely bracelet. Then it was off to Monsoon and a new top and cardigan. I can never pass a Monsoon without going in. I did see a lovely white dress which was crocheted but in a size 20 I would have looked massive in it. So I’ve left buying all those lovely summery dresses until next year.
When I got back Mike had said that he’d gone around to the Wellington pub for a couple of pints so I met him there and had a couple of vodkas’ and diet coke. Then if was off to Dave and Paula’s for the second instalment of the wedding bash. Marquee, outside caterers, good music and fantastic company, was the order of the rest of the day and evening. By 9pm I was totally knackered and so was Mike so it was back to the hotel and bed.
Sunday 17th April 2011
What did I eat today?
Breakfast - Leek Veggie Sausage, 2 crispy bacon, 2 poached eggs, mushrooms & 2 half freshly grilled tomatoes
- Fresh Orange Juice
Lunch - Strawberry Slim Fast with skimmed milk & 2 BananasDinner - Cajun Chicken Salad with Asparagus
- Large glass of Grapefruit & Soda
It was then back home, to sort some stuff out and pack the kit for the morning. I must say, all my dancing must be paying off as my ribs and stomach are killing me. I’m all aching.
So following on from blog 5;
At the age of 10 my mum and “that man” moved to Gracemount. “That Man” always said they reason that they moved was because I wanted to go to Gracemount High School. But too this day I don’t believe that. I think that it had something to do with my Granddad Bill’s health at the time also, because I think that he was running away from something. Why would anyone give up a house with a huge front and massive back garden? Semi-detached, 3 bed roomed immaculate house for a 1st floor maisonette house that was totally disgusting? Will I ever know? I don’t think so. But hey ho, such is life.
When I moved to Gracemount I got myself a paper run. Mum wasn’t working at the home and took a job cleaning at the local primary school. I would deliver 68 Edinburgh Evening News’s a day throughout the week, 45 white and 35 pink on a Saturday. I would get approximately £10-£15 per week and was able to keep any tips which I’d got from my customers. I loved my paper run as it meant that I had money to buy myself clothes, and sweets and stuff that my mum and “that man” couldn’t afford to give us. Money was tight; he had an ice cream van and was away all hours. He never had any money but was always working. That was a lull for me. That was the time when he wasn’t abusing me and making me sleep beside him, as my mum was always home on a night time and he wouldn’t as my mum would have found out.
I’m not saying I was your goody, goody child. I was like any child I did wrong. I didn’t do my chores, I didn’t look after my sisters, and I was fighting at school. I wasn’t an angel and I wouldn’t have you think that I was. But I didn’t deserve what “That Man” did to me. There were many occasions when I had money from my papers and I’d have to hand it over as he didn’t have the money to pay bills, or put money in the meter. Xmas on my first year I had to hand him over £100 of my tips so that he could buy my sisters their presents. As he had lost his job yet again!
I kept my paper run for another 6 months, and then the shop across the road offered me a job. It was £1.00 per hour and I could eat as much sweets, crisps and chocolate as I wanted. “That Man” started again making me sleep with him and touching me. But instead of doing it the way before, he made me massage him. I had to sit on his backside and massage his shoulders and back down to the top of his bottom. He would then turn over and make me do the same to him on the front but go right down to his penis. He’d make me pop all the blackheads on his face and all the spots on his back. I had to do this on the floor in the living room. He would make me place a large towel on the floor and then he’d lay on it and I had to do what I was told. Next he’d make me take my top off and he’d massage my back and down to my bottom. He’d then make me turn over and he’d massage my front, over my breasts and down into my vagina. It was the most uncomfortable thing that I’ve ever had done to me. He would kiss me and his cigarette breath would make me heave, and his moustache would touch my face and it would irritate me. Ever since that day I have never like facial hair on men and I’ve never ever like cigarettes. Hence, the fact, that I am today, a non smoker.
My abuse, physical and mental continued for many years. I was 16 before I would get the chance to escape, but within 6 months I’d be back under his roof and having to answer to him. At the age of 15 I met a boy called Louis, who was 6 years older than me. I met him when we were on holiday at Pease Bay Caravan Park. He was lovely, sweet and I thought that I loved him. He was my first boyfriend and I like him very much. I knew that there’d be no way that we could do anything until I was legally 16 or I’d be grounded for months and he wouldn’t let me see him. When I had passed all my exams and received my grades I left home. I moved to Livingston to be with him but it didn’t work out. He wanted me to stay at home and have babies. I didn’t want to do that. I’d been controlled and told what to do from the age of 5 and I certainly didn’t want to do this. So I phoned “That Man” and he came and picked me up. I was back in the house and it started again.
I had to get out and get out quickly. I didn’t know what to do. As I, couldn’t do this anymore. I couldn’t keep letting him touch me and make me do what he was making me do. I took a job as junior sales rep for a computer company. It was only an interim job, until I could think of a way to get out and put an end to everything. I knew what to do. I knew what job would get me away and stop this forever. I would join the RAF. I had been in the Air Cadets for 3 years and loved every minute of it. I would have a roof over my head, a clean bed, 3 square meals a day and an escape route. So I applied to the RAF. I totally walked all the tests. I could do any job that I wanted. But first I had to go for my medical. I thought that I’d have no problems, but I was wrong. I was a size 16 and 13st 5lbs. I was too fat! The height and weight charts told the doc that I was too fat so I failed. I was gutted. Years of eating sweets and crisps had just for the first of many times ruined my life.
I was devastated. I so wanted out of the house. I didn’t want to join the forces but it was the best idea at the time. So I approached the Army Careers Office. I sat the test and again, I passed with flying colours. I now had to have my medical. The army doc said that my weight was an issue but not enough to fail me. He told me to lose 1 stone and start running, in preparation for my physical test, which if I failed then I wouldn’t get in. I told the sgt that I wanted to be a police officer (RMP), but was told that I had to be 18. I couldn’t wait that long. I had to get out yesterday. So instead I applied to the Intelligence Corps. I went to Guildford, had my tests and interview. I was allowed to apply to the Int Corps. I went to Ashford in the November and passed all my tests. They accepted me. It was as though all my prayers had been answered all at once. I went back to Edinburgh and was totally elated. It was the best news which I’d received in my life.
I could get away from “That Man”; I wouldn’t have to put up with anymore of his abuse and hits. I could be my own person and he could no longer control me. But it was the furthest from the truth.
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