Thursday 31st March 2011
What did I eat today?
Breakfast - 2 Eggs Poached and a Glass of water
Lunch - Spring Vegetable Soup Large bowl.
- Large glass of Fruits of the Forest Juice
Dinner - Poached Smoked Haddock in skimmed milk and chives - Chunky Baton Carrots and Dwarf Beans
- Large glass of Orange and diet lemonade
- Large bowl of fresh fruit and diet lemonade
- (1/2 apple, 1 banana, 1 Satsumas, 6 strawberries and 20 grapes)
Actually dinner was really nice. I haven’t eaten smoked haddock in ages and it’s really nice poached. I haven’t felt hungry all day. I’ve been really busy with one thing or another so maybe that’s been the reason. Also, had a call from UCC, Daryl was poorly so I had to go and collect him. That meant that the time I’d planned to go to the gym was out of the window. But not to worry as the workout was planned to be 3 days a week Mon, Wed and Fri, so not a problem.
I’ve had a follow up call from Spire Manchester to check that everything is okay and that I check in with them at my pre op appointment on the 21st for bloods and stuff. They seem so friendly; could this be because I’m paying them a fortune? Or is it because they really do care? Or do they see me just as another obese person draining the NHS and couldn’t give a toss one way or the other? Will I ever know? Your guess is as good as mine. How long is a piece of string? If I were being my optimistic self then I’d say that they really do care and they don’t judge. Here’s hoping.
I’ve had some mixed feelings and emotions today. Mike mentioned my surgery and said that we’d never really spoken about this. I’ve mentioned it in passing and that’s about all. He says that he’s read more about it on Facebook and in my conversations to my mum on the phone but not from me directly! So I proceeded to try and explain to him what was happening and all the plans which I’d put in place so that he didn’t have to alter his routine. But for some reason I felt that it was really hard and that well, he really didn’t want to know. So what do I do? Do I leave it and let him come to me with his questions? Or, do I try and get him, to listen to what I have to say and why I’m doing this? Yet again, another dilemma in a long line of dilemmas’.
Mike knows all about my counselling, he has, I think a good idea what I’ve gone through in my life. If he does not know. Then I haven’t deliberately left him out. I just had to sort it out in my own head. Then and only then I would be able to share with everyone else.
I know that Mike isn’t everyone else; to me he is my soul mate. I’ve never in my life, been so at ease with any man. How I feel with him, I have never felt with any man. Safe, loved, cared for, comfortable and equal. He’s the only man in my life that hasn’t made sex the crux of our relationship. It was never built on sex. From the beginning we were pen pals and telephone talk buddies, before sex came into the equation. Don’t get me wrong. Sex is required and needed in any relationship but, there is Sex and then there is “Love Sex”. To me the first is just something that happens when you’ve had too much to drink after a night out and you’ve got a one night stand. When you’re forced into it because that’s what your partner wants. When you’re abused or raped. When there is really nothing more to do except have sex for the sake of it. That’s how my life had been for nearly 31 years prior to meeting Mike. I didn’t really have a choice the biggest majority of the time because it was when they wanted it they took it. Then there’s the “Love Sex” when you give your body, heart and soul to your equal and it’s totally musical. It doesn’t happen all the time but when it does your bodies sing together in harmony and you both feel the LOVE.
I hear you say she’s mad! Maybe I am, but one thing I can say, and that is, Mike has never ever made me do anything that I have not ever wanted to do. He has always been kind considerate and caring (in Mike’s way) in his own way. Men from my past have a lot to answer for. Hence the journey I am.
From a very young age I can remember not really liking my dad. Maybe this is the reason I ended up in the position I did later on in my childhood. I always remember calling him “That Man”. I remember my mum telling me that he was my “Dad”, but I always called my Granddad Polson my Dad. You see my mum was only 15 when she found out that she was pregnant with me. Back in the 1970’s, it was frowned upon. She didn’t tell my Granny until it was way too late as she hid her baby bump in her smock school uniform.
My Granny was a hard, but fair woman. When I look back, I remember a woman who looked like Diana Dores. Her hair was always perfect and up in a beehive style hair do. She always had her lippy on and her perfume. She always had huge handbags which weighed a tonne. That was only because she never ever gave change to the bar staff at one of the many public houses which she and my Granddad frequented. She would only ever hand over notes and throw the change to the bottom of her handbag. She was always immaculate in everything which she wore. She was, when I look back quite a groovy granny.
But, when she found out that my mum was pregnant, she wasn’t happy. So Granny made my mum initially go into a home for unmarried mothers. I don’t know much about her time there, only that it wasn’t easy for my mum but she made it work. She had no choice. My mum gave birth to me on the 17th May 1973 only 11 days after her sixteenth birthday. Granny had the adoption people up at the hospital and she wanted my mum to have me adopted. My mum sent them packing. She was going to keep me. No matter what anyone said? From various conversations with my mum, she says that my “Dad” wanted to marry her but she didn’t want to marry him. So he went off and married someone else.
She had a daughter, called Rachael. That relationship didn’t last and he went on to have another which ended in him fathering another child, my brother Malcolm. Somehow, he wormed his way back into my mother’s life. She became pregnant with my little sister Lea and they got married on the 23rd April 1977. Lea came along on the 27th July 1977. I remember living in the high flats in Leith, which overlooked what now, is the Royal Yacht Britannia and Ocean Terminal. You went in the front door, up a long run of stairs and we were in the flat. I remember playing on my little telephone which when you pulled it along the floor the eyes moved and it made a noise. When you dialled the numbers it made a ringing noise. My dad got so annoyed at me playing it one evening that he took it off me and put me over his knee and smacked my bum so hard. He never really did have any patience with me and he knew that I didn’t like him. He was always “That man”. Little did I know what would start happening to me when I was 7 years old. That smack wasn’t the last by any means. I had many more of them to come and they would get worse.
We moved away from the flats to a house in Niddrie, Niddrie Mains Drive. It was the middle flat of a block of 6. We had a livingroom, kitchen, small bathroom and 2 bedrooms. It was small but for only 4 of us it was ok. Then mum became pregnant with Tanya. Now the flat was too small for the 5 of us. Dad worked, in many different jobs, he never seemed to keep a job down. I went to a local school when I was 5. I did really well and was put forward a year. The flat was infested with mice and we couldn’t get a new house even though we were over crowded.
I had another one of my falling outs and I hate “that man”, my so called dad. I packed my clothes in 2 plastic carrier bags and started walking up the hill towards the bus stop. Next minute my dad was beside me asking me where I was going. I told him that I was going to walk the No 52 bus route to get to my granny and granddad Polson’s house. I didn’t want to live with him anymore, I hated him. He told me to get into the car and he took me to my granny and granddad’s. I had to explain to my granny why I ran away. She wasn’t happy but agreed that in the best interest of everyone that I could stay with her, my granddad P and Aunty Ashley. I would have to share a bedroom with Ashley but that wasn’t a problem for me. At least I wouldn’t have to put up with the continual arguments and leathering which would become a common reality in my every day life.
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