What did I eat today?
Breakfast - 3 Eggs Scrambled and a cup of De-Caf Tea
Lunch - Poached Haddock on a bed of Stir Fried Garlic mixed Vegetables
- Banana
Dinner - Chicken Breast chunks’ Dry Fried in a Pan
- with Mixed vegetables and beansprouts in a Sweet n Sour Sauce
- Large glass of Orange and diet lemonade
- Large bowl of fresh fruit and diet lemonade
- (1/2 apple, 1 banana, 1 Satsumas, 6 strawberries and 20 grapes)
So what did I do today? I walked Bailey to school then walked the dog to Keld and back. My thighs are killing me, they are so tight. I hope that the journey to the Gym will help to loosen them off.
So, it’s my second fitness visit to the Gym. As with my previous 2 visits I was greeted with a lovely smile and a warm welcome. I’ve only know these people since Tuesday and I feel like a member of the family and not just another member of the gym. Why can this gym make me feel like I belong in such a short time when the other local gym made me feel like I was a nuisance to them? All I wanted was some guidance on how and to train and what to do to lose the weight! Was I just another big, fat, lazy and ugly nobody? That was bringing their gym down, by just being in there? I will never know as I will never set a foot back in that gym. I know now, where I am made to feel welcome, that’s exactly where I am going to stay. Elite Fitness Penrith Thank you, you most definitely are helping to make this difficult journey a little easier. The workout was good and I broke a sweat. At the end of it my thighs were hurting just as much as they were when I started.
I went for a meeting at The Greyhound Hotel with a new care provider. They want to help families in Cumbria who have children or adults with disabilities and/or additional needs, to get respite in the home or away. They seem okay and the meeting went very well. Cool 2 Care, they are called. They again come across very genuine and want to really make a difference in the lives of families which need their help and support. We need to watch this space, who knows what the future holds but if lives for those with disabled members in their families can be made that little bit brighter, with help and respite then our aim has been achieved. While I was at the meeting we had lunch and I asked the chef, if he could make me something which wasn’t on the menu. Everything was either with potatoes or chips or with bread. So he made me the lovely poached haddock on a bed of pan-fried garlic vegetables. It was totally yummy. Who would have thought, that such bland looking ingredients, would taste so good?
This evening was the usual routine. Tea, the chase, the news, the Simpsons, some crap on the TV and then bed. Life at times can be so predictable. For once, I’d just like to walk a little on the wild side and it be unpredictable. For it not to be, the usual crap every evening. For tea I made the chicken stir fry with sweet n sour sauce. We didn’t have a late evening as it was an early rise on the Saturday morning for our long journey to Watford. Watford I hear you say. Yes, my mother’s day present was to spend the weekend so that Bailey and Mike could watch Carlisle United play in the Johnston’s Paint Trophy at Wembley.
What did I eat today?
Breakfast - 3 Eggs Scrambled and a cup of De-Caf Tea
Lunch - A low fat muffin and a De-Caf Skinny Latte at Costa Coffee
Dinner - A Pancetta, artichoke and veg pizza at Pizza Express
- ½ bottle of rose wine and ½ bottle of still watter
- 2 ½ Pints of Stella tops
- Vodka & diet coke
- ½ packet Beef Hula Hoops
So as you can see from my food diary, that it hasn’t been a fantastic day where the diet is concerned. When we go away it’s difficult to stick to a diets and a carb free diet is even more difficult. We drove from Shap to the Premier Inn at Watford Central. We got there at about 5pm and the building was lovely and clean. You can’t always be sure what to expect when you visit a hotel/B&B, but I must say that Premier Inn have definitely got their act together and the ambiance and decor is very warm and inviting. Not to mention that the temperature was perfect and the hygiene was impeccable. We went to the Pizza Express (not my choice) for our tea. It was nice but I would have much rather gone to a Chinese or Indian! It was then back to the Premier Inn and bed as we’d have a long day on Sunday.
Sunday 3rd April 2011
What did I eat today?
Breakfast - 2 Grilled Bacon, Scrambled Egg, tomatoes, boiled mushrooms
- 1 Vegetarian Sausage and baked beans
- Fresh Fruit Salad & a Blueberry Fat Free Yoghurt
Dinner - McDonalds 5 Piece Chicken Strips with Sweet Chilli Sauce
- Medium chips
- Bottle of water
- Galaxy Minstrels
So, the start of the day went very well. Breakfast was great and the food was lovely. We go up at 7ish, got ourselves ready and went down to breakfast. The restaurant was really busy with not jus Carlisle United Fans, but Blackpool Fans as well. The Blackpool fans didn’t seem too impressed with the wait that they had for breakfast and were really grumpy. We were in the queue for 8:45am and had booked our breakfast eaten it and were back in our bedroom for 9:40am. So, really not a long wait at all.
We booked out of the Premier Inn put our bags into the car and walked to Watford Central to get the tube to Wembley. The train which we were on was new and very clean. When we got off at Wembley we had a long, long walk to the stadium. I’ve never seen so many food shops on one main street. Everywhere we look it was either a food shop, mini market or a discount shop. The atmosphere was amazing; everyone was in good spirits and feeling very optimistic, at Carlisle United’s chance of winning the Johnston’s Paint Trophy. Lots of kids with faces painted and carrying huge flags and blowing hooters. We had great seats, with a fantastic view. The game was electric and the atmosphere was totally out of this world. After the goal, I think that every Carlisle fan was on the edge of their seats. I do feel that Frank Simek should have got Man of the Match, as he played amazingly and was always where he should have been. But that was not meant to be. We were so ecstatic at the end of the game. Finally, Carlisle United bring the Trophy back to Carlisle. Let’s hope that the council promote, support and acknowledge their win.
The journey home seemed to take forever. It was 10pm before we got home and the weather wasn’t the best either. But it always is so good to be back in your own bed.
Monday 4th April 2011
What did I eat today?
Breakfast - Scrambled Egg, tomatoes, mushrooms & a skinny De-Caf Latte
Lunch - Banana and Fruit Juice
Dinner - Spicy Schezwan Chicken Stir Fry
- Large glass of Orange, mango and diet lemonade
- Large bowl of fresh fruit and diet lemonade
- (1/2 apple, 1 banana, 1 Satsumas, 6 strawberries and 10 grapes)
So what did yesterday have in store for me?
The usual morning routine, Bailey up, dressed, fed and walked to school with the dog. Then back to the house and changed to go to my meeting. Before I headed off to my meeting at Cranston’s Cafe with Sarah and Dawn, I popped to the New Balance shop in Shap to buy some new gear and trainers for the gym. I didn’t think that I’d get anything to wear in the shop apart from trainers. So it was a welcome surprise when I was able to get to pairs of ¾ length running pants, in grey and black. Also, 2 tops which were in a lovely pink colour. I’m shocked. I’ve never ever before been able to get into any women’s wear in New Balance. I’ve only ever been able to buy clothes in men’s sizes. Yipppeee. The weight I’ve lost to get here must have helped. I bought a lovely white pair of x-trainers to finish off my purchase. So I’ve started my day in good spirits and I have a big smile on my face, a bit like the Cheshire Cat!!
Off to my meeting I went and then onto the gym. The new gear fits lovely and I have room to move and feel comfortable and the trainers fit like a dream. As I enter the gym I checked the file to see if my workout was in there? It was and I at first was a little shocked. There were exercises which I didn’t know about an 3 extra activities which I didn’t know I’d have to do as well. I was a little anxious as I didn’t think that I’d be able to complete them all and I sort of welled up as if to cry. Why I did this I don’t know, but I had this sinking feeling in my stomach and thought, shit what am I going to do. I pulled myself together and started off the workout. After the second round of the 3 circuit workouts I was smiling again. I could do this. It wasn’t going to beat me and I was going to complete this workout even if it killed me. My final activity before my cool down was 3 km on the bike. I don’t like bikes, never have done and I suppose I never will do. But 3km in to the ride and 6mins later at level 5 I was finished. My heart was beating at the end at approx 175. I never thought that I’d ever get my heart beat to go this fast. Miracles do exist.
I rushed home and just got to the house as Tony Ripley from Atkinson Builders pulled up in his car. He came to take pictures and to talk through the plans for Bailey’s extension. I need to get several bids in so that the local council will agree on the quote so that they will pay their share of the build. We shall see what he comes back with. The bids are to be in by the beginning of May. Hopefully we will be able to start the build in June so that we are finished before the autumn hits. But I don’t suppose it matters what time of the year that building happens in Shap as we seem to have our own weather, no matter what the time of the year is.
Life at my Granny and Granddad’s was so carefree. No arguments. No glasses and ashtray’s being thrown across the room. There was no mum crying as “That Man” had come in from the pub drunk and started on her. He never hit her where it could be seen. His words were so venomous that they would hurt terribly, but as I child I wasn’t to understand to true reality of what he did.
Portland Street was a culmination of flats and houses, newly built by the local council to help with the overcrowding in the old tenements. Granny and Granddad lived in a bottom floor flat, it had a large living room with 2 windows, large kitchen with built in units and place to put a table and chairs, 2 rather large bedrooms which could quite easily fit king-size beds and wardrobes in. The bathroom was rather small but compact. There was a washing line which stretched across the bath so that the clothes could be hung up there to dry. Outside of the flat was a concrete building which housed the large rubbish bins where we had to put our bin bags. Myself and my new found friends, Lynn and Laura (names changed), used to sit on the roof and sing little songs. I remember the beginning of one of them; it went along the lines of “We all live in the buckets of Portland Street, the buckets of Portland Street, the buckets of Portland Street. We all live in the buckets of Portland Street and we don’t really care!” The song sounds really silly now, but as kids you don’t really care what others think, you just do what makes you happy. There was also a slide and a big area to safely play on your bike or skateboard around the back and all the houses looked onto it so children were always safe. I remember playing at chip shops and takeaways. We’d collect all the rubbish around, like crisp packets, sweetie wrappers and juice cartons. Then we would get old news papers and pretend to fill them with fish and chips, wrap them up as you would wrap fish and chips in newspaper and pretend to sell them. Oh I so loved my time then. I wish that it would have continued but sadly this was not to be the case.
Lynn had an uncle and we wanted to go swimming on a weekend. Lynn’s parents worked and my granny and granddad always went to the pub on a weekend. Laura’s parents had younger children to look after, so Lynn’s uncle said that we were to get the bus to his house and he would then take us swimming and bring us all home. The first time we went he seemed a nice older gentleman. He gave us our lunch and bought us sweets and juice, took us to the swimming and then home. We thought that this was great. So we arranged to go again. Our next visit the following week was nothing like the first. When we got to the flat the atmosphere seemed different. He had a pile of men’s dirty pornographic magazines. He even had pornographic movies on video cassette. Which, he made us all watch. I’d never seen anything like this before. Also, he had a jewellery box full of ladies brooches, necklaces, bangles and stuff. All the pretty things, which you’d give to little girls who like to pretend play. He said that, we could take jewellery and dress up. We didn’t know any different so we did.
This time, before we went to the swimming pool he made us go through to his bedroom and change into our swimming costumes, but before we could get our costumes on he came through to the room. He made us sit on the bed and he proceeded to take his clothes off and got on top of the bed. Next, he made us touch him, all over his body. He said that if we didn’t do it that he’d hurt us. He would tell our parents that we’d been bad and that they would smack us. At only 5 years old nearly 6, you do what adults tell you. You don’t question them and you don’t make them angry. You think that what an adult tells you to do is normal and you do it. That was the day that I grew up, quickly. That being a child was no longer allowed. I was to be brought into the big wide adult world and all the innocence of being a child was cruelly taken away from me. He made us kiss him, touch his penis, sit on it and lick it. Even when we said that we didn’t want to do it he would keep us locked up in the bedroom with him and tells us that we weren’t to scream or utter a word or he would batter us. He forced us to have sexual intercourse, by placing his wrinkly old body on top of us and pinning us down to the bed. He then got up told us to get dressed and took us swimming. He warned us that if we said anything to our parents then he would find us and kill us. We were terrified.
I went back to my gran and granddad’s and never uttered a word. I showed them the jewellery which he gave me and put it in the jewellery boxes which sat on the side of the fireplace. The following weekend, when I tried to make out that I was feeling ill, so that I didn’t have to go. He turned up and said that it wasn’t a problem. I was made to go. It was the same all over again. I hated him. All I could smell was this musty old man, who made me want to be physically sick. He had a moustache which pricked me every time he made me kiss him, or he touched my body. It was an awful time and I hated every minute of it. I knew it was wrong but was so frightened that he’d kill me that I didn’t say anything for months.
I went back to stay at my mum and “that man’s” for the weekend and I was so relieved. I wouldn’t have to go to his house. I wanted to see my mum and just get a hug. Unfortunately, mum had to go to the hospital with my little sister so I was sent upstairs, to Helen and Richards. When I was up there I was having a bath and I asked Helen some questions. I pretended that I’d been told these things from Lynn and Laura. But Helen wasn’t stupid. She knew that it was something that children of our age wouldn’t know. She had a gut feeling that what I was talking about was what had actually happened to me and the other girls. So she spoke with my mum when she got home from the hospital.
I shall continue this tomorrow. It is late and well this has brought back so many memories that I’m finding it hard to see the screen through the tears. It may sound bizarre that I am putting myself through this. I need to do this to let myself know that it wasn’t my fault and that it can’t hurt me anymore. I can go forward into my next chapter of my life and this baggage will no longer be with me. Also, that this was the start of me gaining my weight. I turned to food at such a young age as it comforted me and I thought that by doing this then I wouldn’t be hurt anymore. Food is an addiction. If you are a drug addict or an alcoholic you can take/cut this out of your life. You don’t even have to have them in the house. But food, we need it to survive, and nowadays food is so easy to get a hold of. Food has been my addiction for 32 years. It’s now time to cut that addiction out of my life and by having this surgery is the major step which I have to take.
No comments:
Post a Comment