Blog 4 - 7th April 2011

 Blog 4 – 7^th April 2011

Tuesday 5^th April 2011

What did I eat today?
Breakfast   -       3 Eggs Scrambled

-             2 mushrooms sliced and 5 cherry tomatoes poached

Lunch                -       Banana

Dinner       -       Salmon topped with a little Philadelphia and pepper

-             with Stir fried Mixed vegetables

-             ( ½ Courgette, ½ green pepper, ½ red pepper, 2 small onions

-             4 sliced mushrooms and 6 cherry tomatoes)

-             Large glass of Orange and diet lemonade

Before I go any further, I would like to take this opportunity to thank all who have read this blog.  But what I would like to ask, from you all, if you have any questions or comments to make about it, that you do not direct these to my family.  i.e. my mother, sisters, aunties, uncles or grandparents.  Some of my family have made it very clear that they are not happy with my blog and that this is neither the time nor place for it.  They don’t know half of the information which is coming out or going to come out.   They were protected all these years from this so they were kept innocent and not tarnished by the total dysfunctional family, which in all reality we were.  They got to keep their innocence as children, unlike myself.  From the age of 5-6 years that was cruelly taken away from me and from then on I was an adult in a child’s body.   My childhood was so short lived, that little girl now needs to speak out and have her say.  If I upset anyone along the way I do apologise now, as this never has been or is my intention.  This is my journey and not my families.  So could you please honour them with the courtesy and not bother them with any questions or comments.  If you have any I will gladly answer them for you.  You can post comments on the blog, or email them to me directly on khtraining@aol.com .  Also, would you kindly register to follow my blog, this will then update you as to when I make a new post.    

Today has been a busy but wet day.  I had all the washing from the weekend to catch up on, only after I’d taken Bailey Bops to school and the pest (Oscar) for his walk to Keld.  I had all the usual household chores to do and then piles of washing to sort through.  Why, is the washing basket never empty?  Why, do children have to wear so many pairs of PJ’s or Socks?  To this day I’ve never really been able to answer those questions.  Fourth load in the washing machine and now the queue is backed up for the tumble dryer.  I need 2 tumble dryers in this horrible weather.  I don’t like clothes dryers as your clothes smell of the cooking from the house.  Also, the pest (Oscar) likes to steal the clothes off them and take them to his bed.  Dog’s can’t live with them, can’t live without them!

I had a meeting with the Ford garage in Kendal.  I have decided on the next car for the family.  A Ford Galaxy Titanium X in a lovely burnt bronze colour.  It was the nearest colour to brown, which for some unknown reason that is the colour which Bailey had decided he wanted for the new car.  The sales man has said that it may not be ready for mid July when I’m due to hand this car back.  Due to the rise in diesel engines required.  So it may not be until August some time.  Not to worry, as long as I have a car to get me from A to B then really I’m not too fussed.

From there I popped over to Next to see if they had some baggy tops for me to wear after my surgery.  I was surprised at the amount of lovely tops which were in store and were only, £16 or £18.  So I bought 4.  I also, bought 4 different coloured pairs of leggings, to go with the tops and also some of the tops which I have at home.  I saw a lovely dress ideal for the summer, but when I asked the girl at the cash desk if they had any in, she said no, but could order them for me.  So she proceeded to put in the requirements and said that even though it was a new catalogue there were no dresses in either colour in a size 20 or even a size 22.  I was gutted as I really liked them.  She said that is seemed really unlikely that they would have been sold out already and that they probably had never ordered the dresses in those sizes from the factory in the first place.  I then asked her if there were any in a size 18.  She checked, and was only able to get the bright pink in that size.  So I ordered it.  I won’t get into it now, but hopefully come July when the weather is better it will fit. 

Then it was back home, I stopped off at Mike’s mum and dad’s for a cuppa.  Then I went to school to collect Bailey Bop from Moodle club.  Tea was easy for me and I made Spaghetti Bolognaise and Garlic Bread for Mike and the boys.  I then had to rush out and go to my governors meeting. 

Wednesday 6^th April 2011

What did I eat today?
Breakfast   -       3 Eggs Scrambled

-             2 mushrooms sliced and 5 cherry tomatoes poached

Snack        -       Banana
Lunch                -       Morrisons Minestrone Soup, dry packet with 500mls of water

-             Banana

Dinner       -       Chicken Stir fried in peanut satay sauce

-             with Stir fried Mixed vegetables

-             ( 1 red pepper, 1 small onions 4 sliced mushrooms, 2 sticks of Celery & bag of co-op stir fry vegetables with beansprouts)

-             Large glass of Orange and diet lemonade

-             Large bowl of fresh fruit and diet lemonade

-             (1/2 apple, 1 banana, 1 Satsumas, 6 strawberries,  12 raspberries,  24 blueberries and 20 grapes)

Today I got up and felt great.  The sun was shining and there was a lovely blue sky.  I carried out my usual weekday routine and then came back and had breakfast.  While I was having breakfast I gave my mum a call.  She asked me if I’d seen her comment on my blog post from yesterday.  I hadn’t, so I went online to check.  But there wasn’t anything there.  I said this to her and asked if I’d upset her or if there was anything wrong?  She said no, all that she’d put that was that she really loved me and was proud of me.  I don’t want to alienate my family from me, as this is the one time in my life that I really do need their support.  But mum said that everything was fine. 

I made a call to WLS Group as I still haven’t received the weight loss fitness training information which I requested.  When I spoke to Rob he was lovely.  Said that it was good that I’d found a gym to support me and that I was making positive moves to change things.  We spoke about my blog and he asked for me to send the link to them.  So that they may post this on their website on the journey pre op surgery, as they didn’t have any perspective views pre op only plenty post op.  So I did.

I met a lovely lady in the changing rooms today; she is going to be cycling from London to Paris in a few weeks.  It was lovely to actually speak to someone who was so similar minded to me.  It was hot in the Gym today.  With the sun beating in through the glass windows the temperature was higher than it had been on previous visits.  I started my workout and found it really invigorating.  My 5min warm up on the treadmill, followed by stretching exercises.  Next it was the 3 blocks of 4 Circuits.  By the end of this I was really knackered and my arms were struggling to push the weights but I completed them.  Then it was the 3 CV exercises, I decided to do the Krank machine for your arms, 1000m Row and 15 min at level 6 gradient 2 on the treadmill.  Oh boy did I feel the burn!  The last 2 minutes on the treadmill was extremely difficult but I felt that I would be letting myself down if I didn’t complete it.  Then it was 10 min stretching off exercises and into the shower.  

At the gym they have a hairdresser onsite (Pure), so I took my voucher card and got myself my £15 gift voucher for a wash and blow dry straight.  I had to pay £3 towards it which I suppose is not too bad.  It just meant that I didn’t have to stand and do it myself.  I think that this service is great and all you have to do is pop in before you go for your workout and check to see if they can fit you in afterwards.  How’s that for service.  I think next week I’ll try out the free file and polish which is being offered in the Nail salon.  I noticed that they had the fish in the tanks for the Fish Therapy which is sweeping across the UK at the moment.  I don’t know if I could stand putting my feet into a bowl of fish and them nibbling away at them.  It seems a little bizarre if you ask me.  But each to their own.  It would be a sad world if we were all the same.

Next it was home to sort out all the drying and have some soup for my lunch.  Bailey’s Family Support worker came for his 6 months review.  We went through everything and also, looked at the future for Bailey.  It was nice and I always feel really relaxed with her.  She supports me very well and the last 6 years would have been a nightmare if she had not been there to support me.  There isn’t just her, but a few other special people in my life that have been made life worth fighting for.  When it seemed like there was no other reason to live those people help me through it.  But these special people will come out throughout my journey.

I put my laptop on once she had gone to find a comment on my facebook page about my previous blog.  At first I was pissed at them, and then I thought about it and said to myself.  This is my blog, about my life and what has happened in that life to make me the person that I am today.  So everything which I write is true, it did happen and I am not ashamed of it.  I am a survivor and I need to bring this out into the open for the last time.  Only then, will the weight loss journey be easier.  I have had an endless amount of counselling.  Too many years too count, from when I was 6 years old.  Until about just over 3 years ago.  There is only so much talking you can do, and keeping it “A SECRET”, not speaking a word of it outside of the 4 walls of the physiologists’ room time has come and gone for me.  If I don’t get this out into the open it will eat me up forever.  I know now that none of what has happened to me was “My Fault”.  But when I started my last batch of counselling 4 years ago I still believed at the age of 33/34 that it was.  I ask the question to you.  Why do all children and adults which have been abused or raped, believe that it was “Their own fault”?  Why, do they blame themselves?  When clearly they, they couldn’t have stopped it even if they’d tried.  I leave you with those questions and maybe you can send me the answers. 

I spoke with someone, who has always been there for me, since I moved to Gracemount.  I won’t tell you her real name but we’ll call her “Barbie”, I call her this as she will see the joke, I will say that she definitely is not anything like “Barbie”.  She has helped me through my counselling and supported me as a child when I didn’t have anyone else.  This woman understands what I am going through and supports me 100%.  She used to work on a support line, supporting other people who were in similar situations and circumstances.  She said to me that I should continue to do this, as it is the right time for me.  I’ve to think of “ME” for a change.

So following on from blog 3; 

Mum contacted Lynn’s mum and wanted Lynn’s uncle brought to justice.  They didn’t want anything to happen.  They wanted to deal with it as a family due to his age.  But my mum was adamant that he wasn’t going to get away with it and she called the police.  The police, my parents were told to take me to the police station at Leith.  I was taken into a room that looked like a doctor’s room; there were white sheets on a doctor’s couch and over the floor.  I was, told to take all my clothes off and stand on the sheet.  I was really frightened.  All I could think about was what he’d said to me.  That if I told anyone that he’d kill me.  I was a bad girl and that what he did to me because I was bad.  It was my own fault!  The doctor brushed my hair, and checked my skin for what I know now was bruises and cuts.  Everything that fell onto the white sheet was taken away.  I had so many evasive probes and swabs taken that it hurt.  I was so sore anyway that it just faded into the pain that was already there.  I was then taken into a room which was dark and bare.  There were no windows which I remember and just a table with four chairs around it and a tape recorder.  I sat on one side with my mum and dad, and the police woman and man sat on the other side.  I had to tell them about everything that had happened.  I remember crying a lot, worried that he would come and get me.  It was a long night and we left after what seemed to be forever.

A few days later the police officers came to my granny and granddad’s house.  We sat at the table in the kitchen and went through what I’d told them a few nights ago.  I had to go and get all the jewellery which he had given us.  The police needed this as evidence.  It seemed like forever but eventually the case ended up the Sheriff Court on the Royal Mile in Edinburgh.  I remember the day we went into the big huge courtroom.  There were people watching, he was in the court, I was to sit on a huge chair and in front of me were massive tables with all the jewellery, videos and the suitcase full of pornographic magazines.  I had to go up to the banister and point directly at Lynn’s uncle.  He looked different.  He looked sad and frightened.  He had shaven off his facial hair and was wearing a suit and tie.  Not how I had seen him in the past.  Now I know that he was frightened because he knew what could happen to him.  He knew that he was in the wrong and that he had been caught now.  It rightly so was his time to be scared. 

I remember snippets of the days in court.  I remember that his lawyer said that me, Lynn and Laura had “Led him on”.  That he was only responding to what we were offering him.  He was an elderly man, who was very poorly and he’d never done anything like this before.  I remember, Helen having to go into the court and give her evidence also, my mum and dad.  It was all very impersonal.  Children today would never have to go through what I had to.  It was like at 6 year old, we were on trial and not him.  I felt dirty, I felt unclean, ugly, horrible and so alone.

He didn’t get away with it, but he did only get 4 months community sentence due to his age and health.  Also, because no one had come forward from his past to report any previous incidents then it was his first offence.  I have never thought that this was an adequate sentence for what he did to us.  For many years I wanted him to die, but now I feel that he should have done the rest of his years alive in prison, doing hard time.  Why do abusers get such light sentences’?  Why do they think that they will never get caught?  Why do they get away with it for so long?  Is that our fault?  Should we speak up sooner?  Or do we risk harm coming to us like they tell us they are going to do?

I lived with my granny and granddad for a little longer, but I wasn’t happy there anymore.  I wanted my mum.  I didn’t want to be on my own anymore.  So, I moved back to Niddrie, to the 2 bedroom flat that was infested with mice.  We had to keep a big jar which every time we hit a mouse with the metal shovel.  We’d put it in the jar.  When the jar was full my mum took it up to the housing offices and told them that if she didn’t get a bigger house then she’d take the mice to the papers.  The ones which she still had alive in there, she’d let loose in the housing offices.  By this time my mum was pregnant with my youngest sister, which would mean if we didn’t get a bigger house there would be 4 of us in one bedroom.  It was big but not that big. 

We got offered a new house in Moredun, Craigour Loan.  It was a semi detached house.  It had a front garden and a back garden which was the size, if not bigger, than a basketball court.  It had a large living room, kitchen and coal cellar and bathroom all down stairs.  Upstairs there were 3 bedrooms one to the front and 2 to the rear.  The houses were built of non standard construction.  Concrete in situ with corrugated metal around the tops.  All the window frames were metal and we didn’t have central heating.  All we had was the coal fire in the living room.