Blog 14 – 25th May 2011

 Blog 14 – 25^th May 2011

Sunday 22^nd May 2011

What did I eat today?

Breakfast           -       Oat so simple Golden Syrup ½ packet
Lunch                -       I slice of bacon, 3 plum tomatoes, 2 tablespoons of scrambled egg

& ½ slice of toast

Dinner               -       ½ tin of Macaroni cheese and 3 plum tomatoes

I was up at 9am but I didn’t do very much at all today.  I was really aching from bowling on Saturday, a great day had by everyone.  So I had a very lazy day and stayed in my PJ’s all day.  All I’ve done is watch TV and laze on the sofa.  To try and relieve some of the tightness from bowling I had the deepest bath imaginable.  I lay in there for about 30mins before I decided that I should get myself washed and out before I turned into a prune.

I decided that I needed to sort through my clothes.  Many of them don’t fit anymore, so I think it’s time to get rid.  As I took item by item out of the wardrobe and out of the shelves the pile on my bed got bigger and bigger.  By the time I’d finished I had two huge mounds on my bed, one of clothes hangers and the other of all my clothes.  I do still have some clothes in my wardrobes and drawers but not very much and all are big on me, but I need some clothes to wear.  By the end of it all I had 1 bag full of hangers and 9 black bags full of clothes which no longer fit me. 

I know now that I’ve lost weight but I still look in the mirror and see this fat person with not a thing hanging right!

Monday 23^rd May 2011

What did I eat today?

Breakfast           -       ½ packet of Oat so simple apple & raspberry

Lunch                -       ½ packet of chicken noodle soup & a slice of brown bread no crusts

Dinner               -       2 Potato croquettes, mixed vegetables and gravy

Today I couldn’t do very much as Daz had a doctor’s appointment at 10:50am and then a meeting with someone at home at 3pm so I’ve not had much time to do anything else.  I tided up the house as normal and sorted out the washing, again washing it’s never ending.  I can’t wait to go to my mum’s at the weekend for a break.  Roll on Friday. 

Other than the usual daily routine, there is nothing really of any interest to tell you about.  Bailey has been practising his spelling and reading again.  I’m very proud of him and I am quietly confident that he should get 12/12 in his spelling test on Thursday.  I’m apprehensive about my post op appointment tomorrow.  I know that I’ve lost weight but what if I’ve not lost enough?  What if I’ve not hit my 1 stone target!  I know it may sound silly to you but I really need to lose this weight and I’m struggling now with not being able to go to the gym and also, not being able to eat proper chicken and fish.

Here’s hoping that I am going to be okay and that I don’t get lost trying to find the clinic in Ribleton Preston.

Tuesday 24^th May 2011

What did I eat today?

Breakfast           -       Raspberry crush slim fast

Lunch                -       small cup spicy vegetable soup & packet tyrells cheese crisps

Dinner               -       Chicken Pasta in a tomato & mascarpone sauce

I was up bright and early this morning.  I needed to be washed, dressed, make up on and prepared to go for my appointment.  I’m so nervous about this appointment.  I’m worried that I’m not going to have lost enough and I’m going to be deflated.  Did I choose the wrong surgery?  Should I have gone for the by-pass and not the sleeve?  I suppose I will find out in a few hours.  I first have to find my way there.  I shall let you know later on how things have gone.  I am more nervous about this appointment than I was about having the surgery.  What is that all about?

I took Bailey Bop to school and then came back.  I tided up and sorted out the washing, had my breakfast and then printed off the directions from the pc, so that I would know how to get to my Post Op appointment.  Then it was into the car and off I went. 

I got to the Clinic in no time at all, 45mins early to be precise.  I was asked to wait in the waiting room, which seemed like forever.  I was so nervous, I didn’t know what to expect and I’d never actually met Wendy in person before.  After about only 10mins Wendy came into the waiting room and called my name, she was smiling and very welcoming.  I stood up and went through to the clinic room; with butterflies in my stomach I had a sinking feeling.  This was it.  It was WI Day Weigh In Day!  Why was I so worried?  It wasn’t anywhere near or like what I have been through in the past but I was scared, worried and very apprehensive. 

In the room, I sat down at Wendy’s desk and we went through how I have been since the surgery; the food which I was able to eat and how I was feeling and coping generally since the surgery.  Wendy then asked me to go onto the scales.  It was now time, she put my age and height into the minicomputer and I stood on the scales.  The weight was fluctuating up and down, I was getting worried.  Had I actually lost any weight?  Then the machine beeped and a piece of paper came filtering out of the little printer attached to the mini computer.  There was no going back now the proof was there in black and white. 

At the beginning of this journey I was 17st 9lbs in weight.  On the day of my operation I was 17st 2.5lbs. Today I was 16st 1lbs, I had lost an amazing 17lbs 8ozs.  I was so shocked.  I couldn’t believe my eyes.  I can’t remember the last time that I was 16st.  I was on cloud nine, and I wasn’t coming down.  Wendy, explained about my water mass, fat mass and muscle mass.  She also explained that even though I’d lost so much weight so far my chronological age was 53 and not 38 which is my true age, but as the weight comes down that will reduce.  Also, my BMI has dropped from 39.6 to 36.2.  I also asked Wendy if I could start going to the gym.  I really need to be doing more with my day and I feel well enough now to go.  She said yes but I’m not allowed to do any abdominal work for at least another 4-6 weeks.  So all in all, today was a great success. 

I couldn’t wait to get outside and call Mike to let him know how much weight I’d lost, also my mum.  I drove round to the tickled trout services and pulled up for some soup and a bottle of water.  Before I went in I text everyone to let them know how the weigh-in went and then I went for some dinner.  The drive back home seemed to take no time at all and I went straight to Elite Fitness to let Steve, Emma and Lee know that I would be able to start at the gym tomorrow morning and to expect me.  Also, I wanted to tell them personally how much weight that I’d lost and also to thank them, for their continued support.

When I walked into the gym Steve and Lee were on reception, as usual their welcome was lovely and so warm.  I told them that I was able to start at the gym in the morning.  Also, what weight I’d lost, a total of 25lbs since starting this journey.  Steve asked me what my target weight was.  I told him that I didn’t have a weight target, I had a size target.  I want to get to a size 12 jeans from River Island.  I know you may think that I’m crazy but that’s what I feel deep down inside that I’d like to be.  I don’t want to be some skinny mini, just slim and curvy.  Steve has said that once, I reach that size; Elite Fitness would buy me my very first dress from River Island.  So I’ve got double the incentive now to get to a size 12 in no time at all.  What more can a girl ask for.

Back at home I sorted the boys out as Mike was away again.  Sat down watched TV and got myself sorted for the gym tomorrow.

Wednesday 25^th May 2011

What did I eat today?

Breakfast           -       ½ packet of Oat so simple original

Lunch                -       ½ tub of Tomato & Basil Soup

Dinner               -       Chicken Pasta in a tomato & mascarpone sauce

I didn’t want to get out of bed this morning.  But I got up sorted myself out and took bailey Bop to school.  Back at home I had my breakfast, watched the news and then got my kit together and got into the car so that I could go to the gym. 

At the gym, I got dressed and looked at myself in the mirror.  I look more curvy and thinner in my kit.  I’m so chuffed I feel so much better and for some reason so much more confident.  Steve said that I was to work on the treadmill, cross trainer and the bike.  So I stepped onto the treadmill and set myself up and off I went.  I didn’t know how I would feel or what I’d be able to do.  I set my self off and it seemed like I’d never been away.  I completed 24mins on the treadmill, then I went onto the cross trainer for 15mins and then 15mins on the bike.  I had such a fantastic workout; it seemed easier than it had prior to going for my surgery.  I worked harder than I had before and it seemed easier. 

Losing the weight had made it easier.  I had a better workout today than I had prior to going for the surgery.  Now I know why I have been missing, coming to the gym so much.  I felt so good and all those endorphins where whizzing their way around my body. 
After the gym I went to the hairdressers and had a wash and blow-dry straight.  Then it was back home and some lunch and a chat around at Kate’s.  I picked up Bailey from school and we walked home.  At home we practised his homework and his reading.  I took Daz to work and then had dinner with Bailey.  After dinner, I went to Sue’s and had my manicure.  Back at home I sat with Bailey and read him a story and tucked him up tightly in his bed. 

I sat down and finished typing this blog.  I am not going to write about my past in this blog as I want to get this blog out to let you all know how my last few days have gone.

Blog 13 – 22nd May 2011

Blog 13 – 22^nd May 2011

Thursday 19^th May 2011

What did I eat today?

Breakfast   -       Oat so simple Golden Syrup ½ packet
Lunch                -       ½ pot of thick vegetable soup

Dinner       -       ½ packet of Thai spice cous cous cauliflower cheese

-             3 Ginger nut biscuits

I got up today with a little more vigour than I have had in a few weeks.  What was so different about today?  I had some energy and it felt good.  Maybe I’ve turned a corner at last!

I got Bailey Bop ready for school; we then took the pooch and walked to school.  It was a lovely sunny morning, a little breezy, but lovely.  I seem to feel fuller of energy this morning and the walk to school was lovely.  It’s quite amazing how quiet the village is at 8am in the morning.  I haven’t really paid much attention to it in the past but today it just dawned on me.  Where is everyone at that time?  I suppose prior to breakfast club, we didn’t walk to school until about 8:45am, and it was always busy with mums, dads and grandparents dropping of children.  But at 8am it’s eerily silent, a bit like an old western with the odd tumble weed (large truck) going past.  Seeing all the lovely flowers, and the greenery on the trees budding, turns Shap into a lovely blossom itself.  Shap is a village of values and morals.  It looks after the people who live in it and looks out for everyone.

Back at the house, I got on with the dishes and tiding up the kitchen.  It seems that this is a never ending chore.  I wish I had a dishwasher and I could hide everything inside it and then wash it all together.  Lazy I know but it would be nice.  Next, I sorted out the washing, 3 loads of clothes to be washed and it’s like I only did a pile on Monday.  Where does it all come from?  I’m sure my boys put clean clothes back into the wash basket just to keep me on my toes.  Have any of you seen the Cinderella movie, well I feel like her sometimes.  For once I’d like the animals to come in and just do all the housework and washing.  Then my fairy godmother to turn up and magic a stunning outfit, with all the jewels to go with it, a top of the range car and my prince charming to whisk me off to the weekend of my dreams.  Dreaming, being the operative word but it’s nice to dream. 

The mail came and I was chuffed to receive notification that we can now go ahead with the extension which we so badly need for Bailey Bop.  All I need to do now is secure a good price for the works and the funding for the difference from what Eden Disabled Facilities Grant will pay.  It’s looking like £20,000 which they will pay and I will have to find the difference of about £15,000.  A lot of money I know, but hopefully I can apply to the Royal British Legion, SAFFA or the Int Corps for grants/funding to help us pay for the difference.  SAFFA did say that they would help once we got the quotes in for the costs so fingers crossed.

An old friend contacted me today and asked for the link to this blog.  I was a little taken aback but I gave them it.  When I logged into the blog today, I saw that 75 people had read it in the last 24 hours; from Denmark, America, Cyprus and Canada, as well as the UK.  How do all you people find out about this blog?  I’d love to know?  I’m thankful to you all for reading it.

I popped to the Co-op for some fresh chicken and stir fry vegetables, so that Mike and Daz could have sweet n’ sour stir fry chicken for dinner.  Bailey Bop was having the left over steak pie, carrots, broccoli and potatoes with gravy from last night and I was having leftovers as well.  After dinner I sat down to chill again. 

My nights are so boring at the moment.  I can’t wait to be able to go to the gym and then I can go to some evening sessions and start some of the classes.  I’m really beginning to get severe withdrawal symptoms from not being able to go.  Just the buzz and the feeling which I get from going there is difficult to put into words.  I feel invigorated, revitalized and energized all at the same time.  Also, it is a pastime which is just for me, on my own and I can totally concentrate on me.  Not long now and I’ll be able to go back.  But it can’t come quick enough.

Friday 20^th  May 2011

What did I eat today?

Breakfast   -       ½ packet of Oat so simple apple & raspberry

Lunch                -       ½ tub of thick vegetable soup with a slice of brown bread no crusts

Dinner       -       3 tbl spns Basmati Rice with chicken korma sauce   

-             White chocolate and raspberry cookie

-             3 Ginger nut biscuits

Today I was up bright and early, yet again I had to drag Daz out of his bed, well saying it’s Friday.  What is it with boys, not getting out of bed?  I can’t remember ever sleeping in for school; I was there with knobs on.  Bailey was the same but he wouldn’t get out of bed as he was playing on his DS.  Bloody kids they know how to try our patience on a regular basis.  Also, before Daz went to school I asked him if he had his PE kit with him, he said yes, but when I asked him if I could check his school bag he said that he didn’t and i had to make sure that he put it in. 

You’d think by now that he would know that I know all the tricks of the trade when it comes to getting out of doing stuff.  Been there, seen it, done it and got the T-Shirt!  Teenagers will never learn, will they?  I think they forget that we were once teenagers.  So off Daz had to go to school, mumping and moaning that he had to take his PE kit.  Bailey eventually got his lazy butt out of bed and got dressed.  We then walked to school with the pooch.

On the way back home I popped into the butchers for some chicken, sausages and bacon, also a huge bone for Oscar.  Then it was back home, to sort out the washing on the line and put another load out to dry.  After that, I hoovered the kitchen, hall stairs and landing, living room, Bailey Bops room and my bedroom.  I wish at times I could hoover the dog; his hairs are driving me crazy as they are absolutely all over the place, including my clothes.  No matter how much we brush him they are falling out in droves.

After, that was all done; I cleaned the bathroom and polished throughout the down stairs.  Once this was all finished I sat down to have my breakfast and orange juice.  As I was having my breakfast I sat and watched my daily fix of Homes Under the Hammer and Don’t Get Done Get Dom.  Then at about 12 noon, Lauren, Mike’s daughter, arrived to stay for the weekend.  We had lunch and then I telephoned my mum and paid all her bills online and sorted out her accounts for her.  Then I sat and wrote some of my blog from yesterday to keep me up to date, saving me from having lots to write all at once.

Mike and I made dinner for everyone, Chicken Korma, Basmati Rice and Garlic bread.  All the kids love it and we’re guaranteed that Lauren will eat it.  After dinner I went upstairs to run a bath for myself, I felt that I need to chill and relax and a lovely hot and deep bath was the way forward.  Seeing as it takes ages to fill the bath up I went into my room and decided to sort through my clothes. 

I have so many clothes in my wardrobe which are too big for me now that I need to have a proper sort out.  Once I’d started I couldn’t stop.  Top after top, dress after dress, jeans, jumpers, and trousers they all were thrown on a pile on my bed.  The pile got bigger and bigger as my wardrobe got emptier.  God did I really have that many clothes, as I was taking stuff out I noticed that loads of them still had tags on them.  I hadn’t even worn them.  Then I looked at them and I knew why.  They were horrible, why had I bought them?  I know, because they were suitable to hide a fat stomach and big hips.  They were very “fuddy duddy” and old fashioned.  Not really what I would expect a thirty something to wear.  More like a fifty or sixty something.

I checked my bath and it was ready so I got in and lay there for about 15 minutes before I started getting my hair and body washed.  It was lovely, just what my aching body was crying out for.  I must have spent about 30-40 minutes in total in the bath but it was so worth it.  Back in my bedroom, I got into my pj’s and sorted out my hair.  Then I got myself into gear and started packing away all the clothes into bags.  Bag after bag, I kept filling them.  I honestly didn’t think that I owned so many clothes, but obviously I did (do).  Eight black bags and two clothes rails and shelves later, I was finished.  OMG, I’m shocked at the amount of clothes I have cleared out.  I could have got rid of more but I need something to wear, even if they are slightly big.

I came down the stairs and gave my mum a call to find out if she wanted any of the clothes or should I take them to Age Concern?  She said for me to sort through all the stuff and take up what she would like, i said that was difficult as we both had different tastes and that she would be better to decide for herself what she wanted.  So I now have to take all 8 bags up to Edinburgh on Friday when I go next week for half term.  What she doesn’t want I shall bring back down and give to Age Concern as there is most probably someone who would gladly wear all the things which I have cleared out, all the clothes are immaculate!

I then sat down and finished typing up this blog and watched NCIS on FX HD and had my latte and cookie for my supper.

Saturday 21^st May 2011

What did I eat today?

Breakfast   -       8 Mini Oatibix with apple and sultanas & skimmed milk

Lunch                -       Cup of tea

Dinner       -       Broccoli, mashed swede, mashed potato, carrots, cauliflower cheese, small slice of turkey and country gravy (Tobys Carvery)

-             ¼ of the bowl of ice cream

I had the longest lay in possible today; I didn’t get out of my bed until 11am.  I must have been tired for me to stay in bed that long.  It’s not like me to sleep in that late.  Daz was already up and away to work, Lauren was in the shower and Bailey Bop was doing his usual, playing on the Wii.  I came down the stairs and had my breakfast, cup of tea and read the papers. 

Mike had booked for us to go bowling at 2:30pm so I went and had a wash, sorted out my hair as I looked like Kate Bush, brushed my teeth and sorted out my clothes to wear.  I put on my lovely new top which I’d bought out of Monsoon and also my linen pants from there as well.  I also got a bra and pants set which I had bought some time ago, it didn’t fit so I just put it at the back of my underwear drawer, but now it fits and I’m chuffed to bits.  I also looked out my brown wedge sandals which I ordered from next last year and wore them for the first time.  I’m beginning to notice with my clothes that the weight is coming off.  But why, when I look in the mirror do I still see this horrible, fat and ugly person staring back at me?  I look just a big as I did before I had the surgery.  I feel a little lost.  I loathe how I look and every time I see myself in the mirror I want to be sick.  I just want to be thin.  Not stick thin just thin.  That size 12 from River Islands seems such a long way off.

We all got into the car and headed up to Carlisle, Daz didn’t want to come with us.  Why, do teenagers these days not want to do anything as a family?  Why do they want to just sit on their backsides in front of a games machine or pc?  It’s beyond me.  I would have given my eye teeth to have gone out and done stuff with my parents and then had dinner out as a child.  We never ate out as a family as it was too expensive and there would have been 6 to feed so it was definitely a no no.

At the bowling we had great fun.  It was really busy, all the lights were dimed and all the lights going down the lanes were on.  As usual Mike won both games; I came 2^nd, Lauren 3^rd and Bailey last.  But it wasn’t about winning or losing it was about taking part and having fun.  It’s amazing how competitive Mike becomes when we play any type of game.  But its fun and we all enjoyed it.  We went into the arcade section for a little bit before heading to Toby’s Carvary for dinner.  We ordered 3 Adults and 1 Childs Carvary, going down the hotplate I had the childs plate and Bailey Bop had my plate.  Bailey’s plate was piled high where mine was quite full.  I loved every mouthful of what I had.  I ate more than I thought I would but it was lovely. 

Back home we sat down and chilled in front of the TV.  It’s BGT (Britain’s Got Talent) and the recorded last episodes of V before bed.  It has been another lovely day even though I missed half of my day by sleeping in till 11 this morning.  Pity the weather isn’t as nice as our day has been; it’s very wet and windy, with loads of grey clouds everywhere.  The kid’s behaviour has been fantastic and we couldn’t have asked for them to be better.  Why can’t they be like this more often?  All they want to do is bitch and moan at one another.  Is it because there is 5+ years between them and teenagers have no patience with younger children?  Your guess is as good as mine.  I just wish that they were more understanding of Bailey and his issues.  Also, the fact that even though Bailey may be 9 years old, developmentally he is anything from between 2 – 9 years old.  They just need to learn to have more patience with him.

So following on from blog 12; 

Two weeks went by and I didn’t hear from them.  I thought it was about time that I called them and faced the music.  My mum answered the telephone and was so chuffed to hear my voice.  I asked her what she thought about my pregnancy.  She was chuffed to bits and she wondered what we were going to do about the wedding.  In the time that I’d been waiting to hear from her, Pete and I had decided to bring the wedding forward to the May, 13^th May to be precise.  It was only about 10 days after he got back from Bosnia but it would mean that I wasn’t too heavily pregnant and I would be able to have a semi decent wedding dress made to fit me.

                                                                                                       

She asked what she and “That Man” could do and all I said was that they had to come to Germany as I was getting married at the Garrison Church in Fallingbostel.  All that they would need would be the money for the Hotel the night of the wedding which would be about £100 for the 5 of them and some spending money.  I had already made all the arrangements, the ferry for them to come over in the car, somewhere for them to stay before and after the wedding and fuel vouchers while they were in Germany.  For Pete’s mum we’d arranged the Sgt’s Mess before the wedding and a friend for after the wedding.  She was flying over 3 days before the wedding so that would be sorted. 

Mum, was concerned, she had been told a lot of unsettling information about Pete and was worried that I was making a big mistake.  She said that if I wanted to have this baby and not get married that she would stand by me and the child could go and live with her.  But I said what she’d heard must have either been a pack of lies or that they’d got Pete mixed up with someone else in his Battalion.  I didn’t want to hear anything bad, I’d made my mind up and I was marrying Pete.  I was head over heels in love with him and nothing anyone could say would make me change my mind or make the slightest bit of difference. 

When I next spoke with Pete I asked him about what my mum had said to me.  He told me not to listen to it and that they had got him mixed up with someone else from the Battalion.  My emotions were all over the place, pregnancy does that to you.  I loved the Army and I was determined to come back to work after my pregnancy, but worried how I would manage and if Pete and I would be able to get posted together.  The 2 months run up to the wedding was a nightmare, with all the arrangements having to be made by me with no help from Pete, also trying to work with his camp to get the Mess and the food all arranged.  Then, “That Man” started making life difficult.  He didn’t have the money for the hotel, he didn’t have the money to spend while over there and where was he going to get the money for outfits for all my sisters, not to mention my mum and him?  He wasn’t thinking of me or the added pressure that I was under with having to prepare, plan and execute a wedding all on my own but also the fact that I was nearly half way through my pregnancy, all the stress wasn’t good for me or my unborn child.  Yet again all that he was thinking about was his self, nothing unusual there.

The 3^rd May came and Pete arrived back from Bosnia.  I was so relieved, that I now had him with me and he could support me and help with the final plans.  Life was, or seemed to be just so perfect.  I had a man in my life that loved me, or so I thought loved me, we were having a child together and soon we were to be man and wife.  I knew that the vows we were about to make were binding and no matter what they were for life.  Or so I thought.  I was 21 nearly 22 and when I look back now so very naive.  On the 5^th May I got a call from my mum to tell me that, “That Man” said that they weren’t coming for the wedding as he didn’t have a suit to give me away and he couldn’t afford to buy one.  I was devastated.  Yet again he was controlling me and he was hundreds of miles away.  All I could do was cry.  My OC and Sgt Mjr wanted to know why I was so upset so I told them.  They both offered to walk me down the isle if he definitely didn’t come over for the wedding. 

I have to say if it wasn’t for my little sister Lea, then my mum wouldn’t have made it over for the wedding.  She bought “That Man” a suit and everything which he needed and also gave him the money so that they could go to Germany.  She on the other hand couldn’t then afford to get the time off work and so missed out on my wedding.  I have never really honestly thanked her, as I didn’t find this out until years later what she had done and given up so that my two other sisters and mum could make it.  So if you are reading this Lea.  Thank You from the very bottom of my heart.

The wedding came and everything was just perfect.  I turned up 20 minutes late and I was only 2 minutes around the corner from the church.  But I got there and I married Pete.  Little did I know at the time what I had let myself in for!  I would later find out that I wasn’t wife no2 that I was actually wife no3 and that he’d never been faithful to me from the very beginning.  He would cheat on me, but turn it around on me and make it my fault.  He would drink and become verbally abusive and physically abusive and frightening.  He would give me sexually transmitted diseases and force me to have sex with him while I was asleep or when I didn’t want to.  I was walking into 5, nearly 6 years of hell and I didn’t have a clue what was going to hit me.

It’s times like this when I look back on my life and wish that I’d had a crystal ball and have been able to see into the future.  Would I have made the same mistakes or would I have lived my life differently.  It’s true what they say, “you should always listen to your mother, as she’s never wrong”.  I should have listened to my mum and all her information about Pete was true and “A leopard never changes its spots”.  But I suppose what has happened to me throughout my years of marriage to Pete in the end has helped to shape the person that I am today.  It has made me a stronger person, more aware of what I definitely don’t want in my life.

After our wedding we took a quarter in Fallingbostel, 23/6 Heidemark Strassa, where Pete’s Battalion was stationed.  It meant that I could live in the block during the week and go home on a weekend.  Everything seemed to go without issue until about 32 weeks into my pregnancy when I became very ill and started to bleed.  I was put on total bed rest, anti biotics and had to stay at home in our quarter.  The good thing about it was that I could see more of Pete and the bad thing about it was that I couldn’t see my mates from my unit.  I found it really difficult to fit in with the wives of Pete’s Battalion.  Mainly because I was classed as an outsider, also that I was a female soldier, and most of the wives attitudes at the time were, that any female soldiers in the army was either a lesbians or tarts, and were after their husbands.  So it was really a very lonely existence. 

At that time I made up my mind that I wanted to be back in the UK to have my baby.  I didn’t want the risk that I would go into labour and that the military wouldn’t be able to get me to a military hospital and I’d have to go to a German hospital.  Not that I have anything against German hospitals, I just wanted to be somewhere that I knew they could fully understand me and I them.  So I made arrangements to go back to the UK at 37 weeks pregnant by ferry and stay at my mum’s and “That man” house for the time up to and after my pregnancy.  Also, it was cheaper to buy baby things and clothes in the UK, than it was in Germany. 

We planned the drive back with Pete going away on a course, so it meant that we didn’t have to pay for our travel back.  Also, for some strange reason, money was tight.  Pete had come into our marriage with a tonne of debt and for some strange reason he never seemed to have any money.  I was left to try to make ends meet with what money I had coming in from my wages.  Little did I know that money was going to be an uphill struggle all the way through our marriage! 

Back in the UK I had my son Daryl on the 20^th September 1995 at the Eastern General Hospital in Edinburgh.  It was a lovely little cottage style hospital and the midwives and staff were all lovely.  Daryl came into the world at a bouncing 8lbs 2ozs.  He was stunning, I’d never seen such a lovelier baby in my life, but I suppose I was bias as I was his mum.  Daryl William Hunter Fitzsimmons is what we called our son, after his Granddad Fitzy and also after my granddad Bill as Daz was born on his birthday.  I don’t remember much about the labour only that it was really hot and I wanted a solero ice lolly, my mum and Pete were in the room with me and it was so amazing,  I didn’t scream and just got on with it.

Out of the hospital and back at my mum’s house we settled into the routine of mum and baby.  At the time mum had a dog called lady and she was so protective of Daz, she used to lie underneath his pram in the basket when he was asleep protecting him.  When he woke up she would sit next to the pram or me when I was feeding him.  I had all good intentions of breastfeeding him, but 2 weeks in and I had to put him on bottles, I was knackered, he ate constantly and I wasn’t producing enough milk for him.  I don’t care what anyone says, no matter how much you are taught and how much you want to breast feed, if your body doesn’t produce the milk then it’s just impossible. 

At 7 weeks old, “That Man” agreed to drive me back to Germany in Pete’s car, as Pete had to fly back to Germany as he’d hurt his foot/leg while on the course and had been returned to unit.  His car was outside the house and we needed it back in Germany.  So he drove Daz and I back and all the baby things which we’d been given and bought over the past 8-9 weeks.  For him to get back to the UK a friend of ours had arranged for him to drive a car back for them so it meant that he didn’t have to pay anything and was given money for his inconvenience, he never did anything for nothing and he wasn’t about to start now.  Our little flat was lovely, 3 bed roomed but on the 3^rd floor, which was a nightmare with a pram, getting up and down the stairs. 

I settled in and made it as homely as was possible with magnolia walls and not the edge carpets.  Life in military quarters was and never was the best but you had to just get on with it.  A couple of weeks after getting back, the rumours started.  I walked into the Naafi shop to do some shopping and one of the staff said to me, your fitzys’ missus aren’t you!  I said yes why do you ask?  She informed me that, she didn’t want to upset me but she felt that I should know that while I was in the UK after Daz’s birth, Pete was back in Germany having an affair with the dental sergeant on the camp next door.  I was speechless; I didn’t know what to say, was it just jealous of what we had or was she telling the truth?  I didn’t know but I was determined to find out.  I challenged Pete that evening, and he denied everything, I was so head over heels in love with him that I believed him.  When I look back he did get very defensive but at the time I thought that was just due to the fact that he had to fight his corner, not that he was lying through his bare teeth to me. 

I then came across letters from a girl whom he was dating before we met and after his ex-wife, Tracey.  The letters were dated after our wedding and the birth of our son, but were asking when she was going to see him again and how much she was in love with him and when were they going to get married.  Looking back, now I should have packed up and left him there and then but I didn’t.  I had made my vows in a house of god and I wasn’t about to give up on my marriage.  More fool me, but as they say “Love is blind”.  When I challenged him about this, he came up with some plausible excuse which, for some reason I believed him. Life was difficult from the beginning of our marriage and I should have known then to get out. 

From then on life always seemed to be a battle, money tight, debts of Pete’s piling up and me very much on my own with Daz.  Then in the December I got my posting.  After my maternity leave I was to be posted to the UK, while Pete was to stay in Germany with his Battalion.  I wrote to the manning and records department of the MOD and asked if they would kindly change my posting to so that I could stay in Germany with my Husband, but it wasn’t to be.  I had to be at my unit by the 8^th February 1996 at RAF Digby Lincoln.  More pressure was now put on us and Pete decided to tender his resignation from the Army.  If they couldn’t post us together then he was prepared to get out as I had the better career, out of the both of us.  So back to the UK I went.

My mum came down for my first couple of weeks back at work then Helen, Daryls godmother came down for a couple of weeks, then my little sister came down to stop for a bit.  She was going to stay and be my live in nanny while Pete was in Germany.  I started falling ill, I constantly had the runs and I was never off the toilet.  I couldn’t be any distance from a toilet and I was in excruciating pain.  After numerous tests, biopsies and examinations they came to the conclusion that I had irritable bowel syndrome.  I couldn’t work in the job which I should have had, so they gave me an internal posting to be the Commanding Officers PA.  This also meant that I could be right next to a toilet and thus not have any worries about being at work. 

Pete’s belongings started getting shipped back to the UK, 3 massive MFO boxes arrived at the house, so I started to unload them and pack all his clothes and belongings away.  I then came across all the letters and cards which I had sent to him during the time we were apart before we got married.  It was nice to reminisce so i started reading through them, all of a sudden I came across a pile of letters and cards which I hadn’t sent him, it’s true what the they say “curiosity got the cat”.  I had to read them, but did I really want to?  Would it have been better if I didn’t know?  No, I had to find out what was in these letters.  Whether I liked what I’d read or not. 

The first pile of letters were from his ex-wife saying how much she really did love him and hoped that they could see each other when he got back from Bosnia like they had before he’d gone out there.  That the sex was memorable and maybe they could try again for the sake of Alisha their daughter!  Then there was the letters from a woman called Carol Berry saying that she had given birth to a little girl called Nina and some pictures.  Then there was letters and cards from another woman called Laura who was madly in love with him and she’d been sending him letters even after our marriage.  She was planning their wedding and couldn’t understand why he was being so distant with her.  That she understood that he was due back in the UK anytime soon and couldn’t wait to see him.

I was speechless; all I wanted to do was cry.  What had I done to him to make him want to do this to me?  Why was he being unfaithful?  What could I have done differently to change the situation?  I didn’t know and when he eventually came back to the UK he kicked off big time.  It was my fault for being away from him; it was my fault as I wasn’t always there for him, I was fat, ugly and useless.  He turned it around and made it all my fault.  I was useless, worthless, ugly, fat and a waste of space. I was back into my old cycle of abuse, but this time it was verbally, mentally and psychologically.  It would be a few more months before it became abusively.  History was repeating it’s self and I wasn’t able to stop it.

Blog 12 – 19th May 2011

 Blog 12 – 19^th May 2011

Saturday 14^th May 2011

What did I eat today?

Breakfast   -       Oat so simple apple & raspberry ½ packet
Lunch                -       ½ packet sweet corn soup

Dinner       -       2 Potato croquettes 4 tablespoons of mince

-             Strawberry Muller light yoghurt

-             3 Ginger nut biscuits

I got up today at about 8am, I sat down the stairs and had my breakfast, chatted to Mike talking through the past week.  He then took the dog out and I sat and finished my 11^th blog and posted it on the site.  The rest of the day I caught up with the TV I’d recorded on Sky and sat on the laptop.  I spent all day in my PJ’s as I was so tired and couldn’t be bothered to get dressed.  Lazy I know but I do so enjoy my PJ days every now and again.  I shouldn’t knock myself as I’m only 2 ½ weeks post op and I feel that I’ve come a long way since the surgery on the 27^th April.  All day I just lazed on the sofa.  I had my dinner and then went to lay on my bed to watch TV.  So really, I’ve not got much to tell you all about today. So I shall sign off and speak to you all tomorrow.

Sunday 15^th  May 2011

What did I eat today?

Breakfast   -       ½ packet of Oat so simple apple & raspberry

Lunch                -       ½ packet of sweet corn soup, slice of brown bread no crusts

Dinner       -       2 tbl spns Mashed potato, 2 tbl spns carrots, 1 tbl spn cauliflower cheese and 4 tbl spns lamb Gravy   

-             Vanilla Muller light yoghurt

-             3 Ginger nut biscuits

I got up and had a lovely long hot shower and washed my hair.  I then went down the stairs to see Mike doing all the ironing of the boys school uniform and his work clothes.  Then Mike went to walk the dog and I got to work tiding up the kitchen and putting away the clothes. 

Daz deep cleaned the bathroom for me and emptied all the bins and put the bin bags out for the bin men.  Bailey bop did all the recycling and helped me to tidy up his bedroom.  It took a couple of hours but his room looks very clean, tidy and dog hair free.  I don’t know why but the dog loves to lay on his bed and look out the window.

We had lunch and just sat and chatted and caught up on what has happened over the past week and stuff.  Mike made dinner for him and the boys’, I had some of the potato cakes, veg and gravy.

We sat down with Bailey Bop and helped him with his homework.  He had spellings, maths and reading.  I was happily shocked that he had 12 words to learn for a change and not 3 or 5 as normally is the case.  He got 9 out of 12 correct and struggled with 3 words, but we will get him there.  The first half of his maths he found the first section very easy but struggled with the second section.  As for his reading I was pleasantly surprised at the level of book which they had given him.  It was level 6 and not level one which he had been given the week before.  He read the first 10 pages and tried very hard, sounding out all his words which were very difficult. I’m very proud of him as he is trying really hard.  We then watched Country file and it was off to bed for Bailey.

Mike and I watched some TV then went off to bed.  I haven’t done a great deal today, but I’m really tired.  I don’t know what is wrong with me I just don’t seem to have any energy at all.

 Monday 16^th May 2011

What did I eat today?

Breakfast   -       Golden syrup Oat so simple
Lunch                -       ½ tin of Macaroni Cheese

Dinner       -       Tin of Broccoli, Stilton and Bacon Soup

-             Mint Choc Chip Magnum Ice Lolly

We got up bright and early, took Bailey Bop to school and walked the dog.  Back at home I got on with tiding up the house.  I cleaned the kitchen and did the dishes.  I hovered the hall stairs and kitchen.  I didn’t attempt to hover the living room rug as it really hurt the last time.  I made the beds, tidied up the bathroom and opened all the windows in the house.  I then sat down to have my breakfast and watch some breakfast TV.  I do like Homes Under the Hammer and Don’t Get Done Get Dom.  Sad I know but what else am I to do?  I then brought in the washing and put it all away.  I prepared wedges and stuff for dinner for Mike and the boys, then prepared my lunch. 

I had a call from Atkinsons builders reference the extension for Bailey.  Also, from Anthony Tinkler Builders reference the roof and extension.  I need the letter from next door to allow them to go ahead with the roof.  Also, my quotes will be through shortly for me to take into Trish Breen at the Council.  The sooner we can get the extension on the sooner life will be even easier for Bailey.  Also, we will be able to move the dining table into the conservatory so that we can all eat as a family around the table.

I then popped to Bailey Bops school, to find out about whether or not he would be able to attend the football training, being held at the school by Kendal Football Club?  I spoke with the trainers and they have said that he can gladly attend the training with them next week.  He was chuffed to bits.  I was pleased for him. 

Back at home I sat down and had a little cry to myself.  I thought that I would be feeling better in myself and not so tired.  I’m beginning to get withdrawal symptoms at not being able to get to the gym.  I can’t go until I’ve had my 4 week post op check with Wendy from WLS Group.  It’s beginning to get me down and weepy.  Is it just post op blues?  I hope so.  It’s my Birthday tomorrow and I think that has a little to do with it.  I’m 38 tomorrow and it’s like my life is running away with itself and I can’t seem to catch it.  I feel that I’m nearly forty and what have I done with my life!

I made dinner and then sat down with Bailey to do his reading and his spellings.  Daz is still unhappy with me, as I’ve curtailed his access to the internet.  He is only allowed online for 2 hours per night, 7-9pm.  I’m worried about who he is talking to and what is going on the site he is on.  I have spoken with the local police, but as usual they can’t do anything unless a crime has been committed.  So it’s going to take for him to run away from home or for him to be groomed or forced into doing stuff online, which he thinks is acceptable for them to sit up and listen to me.  Why do police and authorities figures think that we’re just over exaggerating mothers?  Why can’t the just accept that a mothers gut instinct isn’t usually wrong?  I’m sick and tired of having to fight every local authority figure when I have a genuine issue or concern.  If it’s not paediatricians’, OT’s or doctors.  It’s Police, councils and MP’s, it’s completely draining and frustrating.  So I’ve got a grumpy 15 year old, who is having withdrawal symptoms and hates, me life and the big wide world. 

I caught up with my e-mails tonight and also, my future business bookings.  I need to still bring in some money this year but not looking at doing anything until September.  Hopefully I can get some more training with children and adults with additional needs.  I find it so much more fun and exciting and also find that they want to learn and enjoy it.  I get so much more from working with this group of people, more than I ever did working for big companies, which really only paid lip service to this type of work and really weren’t interested. 

It was about 10:30pm by the time I finished, so I gave my mum a call and caught up with her.  I’ve got a long day ahead of me tomorrow so I need to get to bed and get some sleep.

Tuesday 17^th May 2011

What did I eat today?

Breakfast   -       Oatibix porridge apple and raspberry
Lunch                -       Homemade Chicken Soup

Dinner       -       ½ packet of cous cous thai style and 8 tubes of pasta with tomato sauce

-             10 cheese Doritos and 1 tbl spn of humous dip

Well today I’m the big “38”.  The morning routine was as normal but the boys came down the stairs and gave me my birthday cards.  Daz also, gave me Pinks Greatest Hits CD, with my song “Fucking Perfect” on it.  He said that he remembered me saying that I wanted that song so he bought it for me.  So for all that he thinks I’m the mother from hell at the moment, by giving me the gift he does still say to me that he does still love me even though he doesn’t really like me at the moment.  Bailey made me a homemade card at Suzies, it was lovely.

I then took Bailey to school and walked the dog.  Had my breakfast and then went round to Wasdale to pick little Marie up to go to Carlisle shopping for the day.  I didn’t want to sit in the house all day.  So it was a welcome break from sitting at home all day doing nothing.  Marie is such a lovely little lady and I so feel for her, since she has lost her husband.  She has also had to give her little dog, Katie, back to Eden Animal Rescue as she was too poorly for Marie to look after.  So she is very vulnerable at the moment.  She got into the car and gave me a card.  Inside were two lovely cotton handkerchiefs and a lovely card, which I thanked her for.  We set off for Carlisle and parking in the Lanes.

We parked up and headed into the shops.  First I popped to the Cumberland Building Society to put in a cheque which Bailey had been given for his birthday.  While there I took out £100 to buy him the new Carlisle United football strip.  Then we went to several shops which Marie wished to visit.  She wanted shoes and struggles as she is only a 2½, which are very hard to come by.  But luckily, we found some in TK Maxx.

Next we went for a coffee at Costa Coffee.  It was a welcome break as I was beginning to get tired.  I ordered a medium latte for me and a small for Marie with a little bag of shortbread minis’.  I couldn’t drink all my latte.  I now need to only order a small.  My stomach can’t cope with the volume any more.  Then we went into Monsoon and I bought myself some linen trousers and 2 tops all in a size 18.  I was on cloud nine and very happy with myself.  I can’t remember when the last time I comfortably fitted into a size 18 top or trousers.  It really made my day.  We then went to a couple of other shops and bought some bits and bobs.  I was becoming quite tired again, so we went and had lunch and a drink. 

After lunch we went to Debenhams looking for a lilac skirt for Marie, but we weren’t having much luck at all.  Then she noticed a lovely waterproof jacket in the Maine section of the store.  It was a size 18 and I really liked it.  But I said to her that it wouldn’t fit.  She told me to try it on, so I did.  It fitted, and looked good on, so I bought it.  It was reduced from £75 to £22.50, but when I got to the till it was only £18, bargain of the day.  I couldn’t have foreseen a better outcome.  After that we headed to the Millies cookies booth and then back to the car.  It was 3:30pm and we’d been gone for hours.  Before we hit the motorway to come back home, I popped into the Carlisle United Football shop, and bought Bailey Bop 2 full strips, the home and away, at a cost of £106.  I feel that this is too expensive for a strip for a little boy, £53, where do they get there costing from?  Put football on it and the clubs think that they can rip you off.  They know you’re children are going to want to follow their team and then there’s the pressure to get the newest and up to date strip.

On the journey back home, my little sis Lisa called and my niece and nephew proceeded to sing Happy Birthday to me down the telephone.  It was really lovely.  Back at Shap I dropped Marie off and headed home.  As I pulled up outside, my neighbour called me over, she had taken receipt of a bouquet of flowers and a bottle of rose wine for me.  They were from my mum and were totally lovely.  I popped into the house and you’d have thought that I’d left the dog for days, he went totally mental.  I then made dinner for Mike and the boys, meatballs in a tomato sauce, pasta and garlic bread. 

After dinner we all caught up with each other’s day.  It was so nice to just sit and chat.  Then Suzie came around with a birthday card for me.  After that I went to Sues to have my file and polish, as my nail varnish was all chipped and needed re-done.  Back home I watched some TV then it was off to bed as I had another busy day tomorrow and I was very tired.

Wednesday 18^th May 2011

What did I eat today?

Breakfast   -       8 mini Oatibixs and skimmed milk
Lunch                -       Homemade Broccoli & Stilton Soup

Dinner       -      

So it is the day after my birthday, and it’s back to reality with a bump.  I’m very apprehensive about today.  It’s the day of the photo shot for the member of the Month at Elite Fitness.  I have to be in the gym for 11am as the photographer is coming in at 11:30am.  I need to get into my gym gear which I haven’t worn for just over 3 weeks now and I’m wary, cautious and a little worried on how I am going to look.  Even though I know that I’ve lost weight I don’t want to look like a fat frump in my gear.  I suppose I can’t look any worse than I did 8 weeks ago when I joined the gym. 

So it was Bailey off to school, the dog walked and the morning chores carried out.  I telephoned the hairdressers (Beautiques Hair & Beauty) and asked her if she could do my hair, well I do want to look my ultimate best in the photo.  She said that she could fit me in and I was to be there for 10:30am, so I got myself sorted, had my breakfast, packed my gym bag and headed into Penrith.  At the hairdressers Natasha, did my hair and it looked good.  She was finished by 11am and I headed to the Gym.

As I walked in the front door, Emma was on the telephone.  Once she finished her call she came around the counter and gave me a big hug, it is like I’ve never been away.  I so love the buzz and energy I get as soon as I walk through the door.  It reiterates how much I want to be back here training again, but I can’t until my review appointment.  Emma said that I looked good and she could tell how much weight I’d lost it just a short time.  She was so chuffed for me and proud of me.  I popped through to the changing rooms and got into my kit.  I had butterflies in my stomach, dare I look in the mirror?  I was so worried that I’d look as big as mama cass.  I pulled on my ¾ pants and then looked in the mirror!  I didn’t feel as though as I looked any different.  Am I only seeing what I want to see?  Is this all just in my head?  I finished getting ready and put some lip gloss, eye liner and mascara on.  Then it was through to the front desk.  I took with me the fitness brochure and the e-mail from Rob at WLS Group.  It would then help Lee and Steve to put together a new fitness plan for me starting back next Wednesday. 

The photographer from the Cumberland & Westmorland Herald was waiting at the reception with the writer of the article.  So we headed into the main gym area to have the photographs taken.  I was asked to sit on one of the fitness balls holding dumb bells, with Steve and Lee supporting me.  Then it was big smiles all around.  I’m your typical female, I hate my photograph being taken, I’m dreading the picture in the paper in just over a weeks’ time.  After the photos were taken I spoke with the writer of the article and I’d already sent him a load of answers to questions which he’d sent me.  Then it was back into the changing room to get dressed again.  I stopped in he reception for a little bit talking with Emma, Lee and Steve. 

I then headed off to The Lounge for lunch with Val, Bailey’s family support worker.  It was really lovely to speak with her and catch up with everything which is going on with her and her job.  Food was lovely and enjoyable; I can honestly say that I’ve never had a bad meal in there.  Portions are always well worth the money.  I then headed home.

Back at home there was mail waiting for me.  As I opened the mail, I was shocked to receive a letter from Olympia Publishers say that they would like for me to send them a full hard copy of my blogs and a copy in word format on disc, as they were interested in potentially publishing this as a book.  You could have blown me over with a feather.  I know that everyone has kept saying to me to publish it as a book but I didn’t think anyone would be interested in my life.  I’m all excited and apprehensive all at the same time.  How do I know that I’ll get the right deal for my book?  How do I know that they are the right publishers to go with?  I’ll really need to look into this. 

I made dinner and got everything sorted for the evening.  We then all got sorted and settled down to watch some TV and catch up with each other day.

So following on from blog 10; 

When I arrived in the Falklands it was very cold and covered in snow.  The place looked bleak and uninviting.  No real character about the place just loads of wood and brick buildings, dark as the night sky or grey as a solitude rock.  Where had I come too?  Why had I volunteered for such a drab and drear posting?  I know, because I wanted to save money for my wedding, which was not called off and I still didn’t know why.

I was taken to the unit where I was to work.  It was called JSSU (FI), or the Joint Services Signals Unit Falkland Islands, which was out of the main camp area and on its’ own in the middle of nowhere.  There I was introduced to all the lads and lassies which I’d be working with and the desk which would be my responsibility for the next 4 months.  Then I was taken to our accommodation.  We didn’t have rooms or our own.  There were 4 women to a room so no privacy and it was very basic.  On the Falklands there were only about 120 women to over 3000 men.  To some it was a paradise, you could have your pick and choose of who you wanted to be with.  I, at first wasn’t interested in anyone.  All I wanted to know was why had Jonathan called off the wedding and our relationship?  I tried calling him every day but he wouldn’t accept my calls.  I wrote to him every night for the first 3 weeks and then the letter came, from him, which would answer my questions.

He loved me but couldn’t marry me.  He felt that he was still too young and that we were miles apart in military terms that we would never ever be posted together.  His mum didn’t like me and he would have to choose between us, and he felt that he couldn’t break his mothers heart after all that she’d given him and done for him, since his adoption as a child.  His mother wanted a woman for him that would stay at home, cook, clean and do his laundry.  Then be a baby making machine so that she could have grandchildren.  This was something, which I wasn’t prepared to do, at this moment of time in my life.  I was too young to have children; I was still a child myself.  I was only just beginning to enjoy life and have the benefit of having fun and not worry about having to go home and be subjected to “That Man”.  I was free and I need to stay that way from any real responsibilities.

In some respects looking back on it now, he was right.  I wasn’t ready to get married I think that I just wanted someone to love me for who I was and not what they could get from me.  I felt safe with him and after things not working out between Mac and I then I was looking for Love, but was I looking in the right places? 

Life in the Falklands was fantastic.  We had weekly Gozomies, when people were posted out of the unit and theme nights, which were always funny and entertaining.  I hit the party scene there like I’d never partied in my life.  I was out 6 nights a week and only stayed in on a Monday night as I didn’t like the bar which everyone went to on that night it was called JCUFI’s (Joint Communications Unit Falkland Island).  I used to catch up with my washing, ironing and letter writing back home to my mum.  I had grown into a party animal, then one morning I met a man in our toilets.  His name was Paul, and he was a Plumber, a civilian contractor living on the island to maintain all the plumbing.  He seemed rather sweet and he invited me to their bar, which was really unheard of, as there bar was the only one on the island which we were able to get spirits at unless we were, SNCO’s or Officers.  Or, there was the hotels and bars in Stanley which we could get spirits from but that was a huge drive from the base to Stanley and it was also expensive to stop over there for a weekend.  So I gladly accepted his offer and went.

From then on I started seeing him.  Not on a regular basis, only when I could be bothered.  Then one night at the Engineers bar I was introduced to a lad called Paul, yes you heard it another Paul.  We hit it off as well so we agreed that we’d start seeing one another.  Now, I hear you say, aren’t you already seeing a Paul?  Well yes I was and to be quite honest I couldn’t care that I was seeing both of them.  Paul the plumber was only when I could be bothered and Paul the Engineer was on a more everyday basis.  Naughty I know, but that’s just how I was feeling and if I could do it and get away with it then why not.  I was eating like a pig, and was struggling to get clothes to fit me.  I decided that I didn’t want to go back home for Christmas so I asked my OC to extend my tour by 4 more months.  My OC said that they wouldn’t extend me by 4 months but I could have another 2 months.  So I stayed in the Falklands until February 1994.

Down the Falklands, all I did was drink and eat.  After, 6 months away I’d gone up to a size 18 and was struggling with what clothes I did have to fit me.  At the end of the 6 months I went home and took Engineer Paul with me.  I wasn’t allowed to stay at home so we went to stay at a friend’s flat.  I wasn’t again made to feel welcome and well I really didn’t want to know or care.  After, my leave I had to go back to 14 Sig Regt in Germany.  Back in Germany I found out I was pregnant, I rang Paul to tell him and he was happy.  He said that we should get some leave and speak about getting married.  Then, 3 weeks later I had a miscarriage.  I was gutted.  I telephoned Paul to let him know and he was too.  I said to him that there was no reason now why we should get married and that the distance between us would not work.  I said to him that this had happened for a reason and that it was maybe for the best.  He agreed with me and we left it at that.  It may sound quite surreal how I went about this, but it was just my way of dealing with the situation.  Head down and just get on with it.

So, back in Germany, I settled into my normal work routine.  I got stuck into the fitness side and slowly started losing the weight again back to a size 16 again.  I was made the senior female of the block for our squadron and was allocated a 2 man, room to myself.  I made it into a mini bedsit.  I had 2 large wardrobes, 2 sets of drawers, a king-size bed, 2 comfy chairs, coffee table, bookshelf, storage unit and a large fridge freezer.  I had my toaster, kettle and mini oven/grill.  I made y room as homely as I could.  I had my own curtains and nets for privacy and lots of lovely posters of me holding babies. 

I started earning extra money by working in the Sgt’s Mess.  I was helping Wynn Neesh run the dinners and balls.  It was fantastic fun and I loved every minute of it.  I sometimes had to go up to the Officers mess to do the same up there with the then mess manager.  But I had all the money I needed extra to save to go on holiday with the girls in August to Cyprus for 2 weeks.  Ayia Napa was the destination and to get totally rat arsed was the target.  It wouldn’t be difficult.

I didn’t call home very often only when I really had to.  I put behind me what had happened to me as a child, I put all those horrible and nasty memories, thoughts and feelings in a little box and threw it to the very back of my mind.  I just wanted to get on with my life and I didn’t want to think about what had happened to me as a child.  I just wanted to forget. 
I started training for the BAOR Athletics, I was team captain and I was also competing in the shot and discus.  It was great fun and our Sgt Major was great.  He supported us all the way. 

During my training, I met up with Pete.  He was everything, which I thought that I wanted and needed in a man.  He was 6ft 2in tall, piercing sky blue eyes, and a body to die for.  We met the weekend after my birthday, my 21^st birthday.  He was on a course, and staying in the transit accommodation on our camp.  He was a Royal Highland Fusilier and I was taken in by his dashing good looks and silver tongue.  He walked me back to my room and ended up staying the night.  The next again morning all the girls were trying to get into my room.  They had never seen me with a man on our camp and they all wanted to know who I had in my room.  In the end I had to go to the toilet and they sneaked in when I was at the loo.  My secret was out I had a man in my room and he’s stayed the night.  Pete was at our camp for 4 weeks so I could continue to see him and see where it went from there.  In the meantime I had to continue to train for the athletics and work with the girls on training.

We did totally amazing at the athletics.  We won the BAOR athletics and were then to compete in the Army Athletics in the UK.  We were so chuffed and went back to the camp and partied for hours.  Our Sgt Major Dickie Bird, bought us Champagne, beer and loads of other drinks to drink on the mini buses on the way back to camp.  When we got back to camp we went to the NAAFI bar only to find out that is was closed.  So we went into the shop and bought a carry out and sat in the bar and drunk more.  At about 8pm that evening Pete came into the bar and I was out of it.  In the end he had to carry me back to my room.  From then on we started dating.  He looked after me and that’s what I needed.  We dated for months and when I went to Cyprus I had a ball with the girls.

On getting back Pete asked me to marry him.  I was chuffed to bits.  I said yes and we told everyone.  I wanted to take him home to meet my mum but “That Man” wouldn’t let him.  He and my mum had been told lots of things about him from someone who used to work with him from his battalion.  They said that he was not to be trusted and that he’d never be faithful to me.  But as they say, Love is blind.  I certainly was to him, he was infectious.  So that Christmas we stayed in Germany at Pete & Kim Gilberts.  It was a fantastic Christmas and we had such a lovely time.  Pete had leave from Bosnia and we made the most of the time we had together.  I was due to go out to Bosnia in the January.  I couldn’t wait.  We could save up what money we needed for the wedding in the August and I could try and get my weight down for the wedding.

After the Christmas break I was told by my OC that I would also be going to Bosnia for 6 months.  A double whammy, I could save even more money, for the wedding but I’d not have very much time on my return to make all the arrangements for the wedding.  But, in the army, when you’re told to do something you have to just get on with it.  So off I went to Bosnia.  I was only out there 4 weeks and I got a call from my mum to say that my Grannie was dying.  I had to get flown back to the UK quickly if I were to see her before she died.  I got back to the UK in time to spend some time with my Grannie before she passed away.  It was a very traumatic time for me as I really loved my Grannie and she had a lot to do with my upbringing as a young child.  We had her funeral and it was a really lovely.  It was a humorous service as my Grannie wasn’t religious at all.  The service was all about her, her life, her family and her love, my Granddad “P”. 

Shortly after that I had to go back to Germany.  Just before I was to be posted back to Bosnia, I went to the doctors, as I was finding it hard to sleep.  As with every visit to the doctors at that time, all women were routinely tested for pregnancy.  I said to the medic at the time “If I’m pregnant, pigs will fly!”  He came through and said to me that I should sit down.  I said to him not to joke with me and tell me the results.  He said, “You’re Pregnant”!  You could have bowled me over with a feather.  What was I going to do?  What about the wedding?  How far on was I?  What was Pete going to say?  What were my mum & “That Man” going to say?  I had a hundred and one questions in my head, it was spinning and I didn’t have any of the answers.  All that I could think about was that I should have been heading to Bosnia and now I wouldn’t be able to go.  How was this going to affect my career and my future in the Army? 

I went back to the Squadron and requested a meeting with my OC and Sgt Mjr.  I told them about my pregnancy and asked what my options were?  They congratulated me and said that I should go back to the block and take some time to decide what I was going to do and what action was to be taken.  Off I went back to the block and sat on my bed and broke down into tears.  I was just about to get married and now I would possibly be bringing a young life into the world as well.  I didn’t even know how far on I was.  I couldn’t tell my mum and “That Man” I would have let them down.  How was I going to be able to contact Pete to let him know and ask him what we should do?  I was so mixed up.  I sat down and wrote a letter to my mum and “That Man” to let them know that I was pregnant and a contact number for me on the camp.  I left the ball in their court for them to contact me.