Blog 10 – 6th May 2011

 Blog 10 – 6^th May 2011

Before I go any further I am going to post my pictures of what I looked like prior to my surgery.  Also, my measurements so later on in my blog we can compare my weight loss.

Measurements

Left Bicep - 35cm

Right Bicep - 35.4cm

Under Chest - 102cm

Full Chest - 124.5cm

Waist - 122cm

Hips - 133.5cm

Right Thigh - 70cm

Left Thigh - 71cm

Monday 2^nd May 2011

What did I eat today?

Breakfast   -       Strawberry Slim Fast Shake 150ml
Lunch        -       Tomato & Carrot Homemade Soup 200ml

Dinner       -       Cauliflower & Mash blended with Cheese Sauce

-                   ½ Muller Light Cherry Yoghurt

Again I was up at about 4am in a lot of pain.  It is more difficult to manage the pain through the night than through the day.  I suppose through the day I have more to take my mind off of it, but during the night you just lay there trying to get back to sleep.  I eventually got off back to sleep and awoke at about 8:30am.  I had a shower and my mum dried my hair and straightened it for me.  While she was straightening it we noticed that a section of my hair had turned blue!  I was shocked.  Why had my hair turned this colour?  Did it have anything to do with my surgery?  I wouldn’t know and I wouldn’t be able to find out until I spoke with Natasha, my hairdresser tomorrow morning as it’s a bank holiday today.

I helped throughout the day with the washing and preparing the dinner.  Which, I made with help from mum and B, 3 bird roast dinner with all the trimmings.  It looked totally scrumptious and I was longing to try something from it so instead of having soup for dinner I had Cauliflower Cheese and Mashed Potatoes blitzed in the blender and so soft that I could swallow it easier.  It was really yummy but after about 8 tablespoonfuls I was full.  It was so satisfying to be able to have something different to soup.  I tried to contact the little old lady whom I have taken shopping and to the hospital to see her husband.  But with no joy, I was getting a little worried.  She’s 84 and on her own at the moment and I had no joy.  Hopefully I’ll hear from her soon.  I left a message on her answer phone and hopefully she will get it and call me back.


Tuesday 3^rd May 2011

What did I eat today?

Breakfast   -       Banana Slim Fast Shake 150ml
Lunch        -       Tomato & Carrot Homemade Soup 200ml

Dinner       -       Chicken Cup a Soup

-                   ½ Muller Light Cherry Yoghurt

I was up and awake at about 7am.  Had to have some pain relief straight away and then get myself up and sorted to get Bailey Bop off to school and breakfast club.  I put on my leggings and a baggy top.  I just need to feel comfortable and jeans are so restrictive.  My stomach is still very swollen, full of air and my scars look a little swollen.  The dressings are very itchy and I’ve got little blisters around the dressings.  It’s very uncomfortable and I’ve got no more pain relief. 

I took Bailey to school for Breakfast Club and walked the dog at the same time.  Oscar is a lovely dog but he is too big and powerful for me at the moment.  Even with his halti on, he pulled me all the way to the school.  On our journey I met with one of the residents from Wasdale, where the little lady Marie lives and I asked how she and her husband were?  He informed me that John, Marie’s husband had passed away on Friday and that Marie was at her son’s house for the weekend.  The tears started welling up in my eyes.  John was 93, so had a good innings, but what about Marie.  Now, she would be on her own, my thoughts and prayers were with her. 

We got to the school and I dropped Bailey off and walked to the butchers to get a bone for Oscar, bacon for mum and B to have a Bacon buttie and chicken breasts to put into the freezer for later on.  Next, I went to the Co-op to get some bread and a couple of little things.  When I came out of the Co-op I took off Oscars lead and halti and let him walk up the back lane with me.  I was hurting as he had pulled too much.

Back at the house, I telephoned the doctors surgery to get an appointment to see Dr McCabe, but she wasn’t in and the only appointment which I could get was for 3:20pm this afternoon, to see Dr Stenhouse and 5:40pm to see the practice nurse about my dressings.  I also telephoned my hairdresser, to talk with her about my hair.  She told me that it wasn’t a problem and I was to go in tomorrow after 10:30 for her to look at it and see what she could do about it.

I made the bacon butties; I then got sorted for mum and B to go back to Edinburgh.  At 12:30 Mike’s dad came down to drive mum and B to the train station.  I went with them.  I didn’t want mum and B to go, but B has her own family and mum had to get back for Benson and my little sis, Lisa.  It’s been really nice to have mum and B here, I don’t know if I’ll manage when they go.  I know that everyone says that I’ve got to rest, but when you have a house full of men, nothing gets done unless you do it yourself.  I wanted to cry when I gave mum and B there hugs goodbye, but I kept myself together and said my goodbyes, then got into the car and went home. 

Back at home and my builder turned up with the electrician to price up the work required for Bailey’s Bedroom and Bathroom extension.  We need the roof re-tiled prior to the extension going on so we have to get our backsides in gear and get sorted.  So Anthony is going to give me a quote and we can get this done ASAP.  I then headed off to the doctors.  At the doctors, Dr Stenhouse was very accommodating.  He checked my dressings and told me to see the practise nurse.  He prescribed me some more dissolvable pain relief and I left the surgery.

Back at home I put dinner into the oven.  Mum had made a lovely lasagne for dinner and I put some garlic bread in the oven as well.  Once the dinner was ready I served up and went to see the practice nurse.  There she said that I was reacting badly to the dressings on my wounds and that they would have to come off.  She put a temporary dressing on and said for me to contact WLS and ask their advice on what I should do.  My skin is very raw and itchy.  It doesn’t hurt it just feels hot.  So back at home I telephoned the WLS Group 24 hour emergency helpline.  I told Rob the problem and my concerns he said that he’d get Wendy to call me back as soon as she had finished on her present call.  Within, 10mins, Wendy called me back.  She said for me to take the dressings off and in the shower or bath to remove the steri-strips as well.  My body was telling me that it needed to breathe and that’s what I need to let it do.  She was very comforting and very supportive.  Her advice was clear, precise and I know not appropriate for my situation.  WLS are already holding up their end of the contract.  24 hour support for the next 3 years, and I’m only 6 days into my surgery post op.  After the call I felt at ease.  I knew what I should do and what actions to take.  Thank you WLS.

For the rest of the evening I was chilling watching TV and not doing anything in particular.  I text my friends and confirmed that I would be going to the Army v Navy Rugby at Twickenham on Friday.  I was really looking forward to catching up with my ex army buddies and enjoying the rugby with it.


Wednesday 4^th May 2011

What did I eat today?

Breakfast   -       Banana Slim Fast Shake 150ml
Lunch        -       Tomato & Carrot Homemade Soup 200ml

Dinner       -       Chicken Cup a Soup

-                   ½ Muller Light Cherry Yoghurt

I was awake at 5am this morning having some pain relief.  I’m not feeling too great today, I feel like I’ve been hit by a Double Decker Bus.   I had my pain relief and went back to sleep until 7:20am and then got Bailey up and ready for school.  I didn’t feel up to walking today so I took Bailey in the car.  With every slight movement I am in a lot of pain.  Is it because I’m exactly 1 week post op, or have I done too much, who knows?  Back at home I washed the breakfast dishes and dishes from the previous night. Tided up the kitchen and sorted the cushions in the living room.  I couldn’t hoover as it’s too difficult and very uncomfortable.  I telephoned Ali and told her that I wouldn’t be well enough to go to the Rugby.  I felt like shit and there was no way I’d make it driving to Great Harwood, Blackburn on Friday.  There was no way I’d be able to sit in a car all the way to Twickenham, so I got her work address and special delivered the tickets, bands and accommodation details to her.  I’m gutted, I’ve been looking forward to going to the Rugby since February and now I can’t go.  I’m just going to have to look forward to next year. 

I was sitting at the dining table having my slim fast and Mike’s mum and dad came to walk Oscar for me.  I was thankful as life without walking Oscar would be a nightmare.  He’s a fox red Labrador retriever and only 17 months old.  So needs his walks.  When he came back I got into the car and drove to Penrith.  I went straight to see Natasha at the hairdressers.  She can’t understand why my hair has turned blue and only in the one section.  It’s flummoxed her and her business partner.  She said for me to come back at 1:30pm and she would sort my hair out for me.  I walked around to Holland & Barrett to get some liquid multi vitamins and omega 3, 6 & 9 oils.  I really need to have a vitamin boost.  I then went to the card shop to get Marie a sympathy card and next to the florist to book some flowers for her. 

I then popped into the car and went to Elite Fitness to say hi to Emma, Sharkey and the guys at the gym.  At the gym I got an amazing welcome.  Emma was on reception and Lee was just finishing for the afternoon.  So we had a chat and I went to see if Ashley in the Nail Bar would do my free file and polish.  She was able to do it in about 30 mins so I booked in and went back down to chat to Emma and Sharkey.  There was another lady looking at joining the gym and I spoke with her and told her about the support and friendly atmosphere I’d received since joining the gym 5 weeks ago.  I think I’ve convinced her so hopefully she’ll come and join and I’ll make another new friend. 

After chatting for a bit, Ashley came down to get me and I went and had my file and polish on my fingers and toes.  I’ve now got sparkly red finger and toe nails.  While I was sitting there I could feel my body aching.  Had I done too much by coming into Penrith today?  Maybe it was too early for me to be driving and walking around too much.  I said my goodbyes to Ashley, popped to say bye to Emma and headed to the petrol station to fill the car up.  I can’t believe how much it is costing to fill my car up these days.  Over £80 to fill up a 60 litre tank with unleaded petrol, at this rate I won’t be able to afford to travel to my training courses.  I’ll have to put up my rates for training to cover the cost of fuel.

I went to the hairdressers and Natasha was overcome with worry that it was something that she’d done wrong.  She’d checked with the loreal help line and also with the Cumberland infirmary if anything which I was given in my surgery could have caused my hair to turn blue, but they were no help what so ever.  So we decided, rather than put my red back in we would do an all over colour, warm brown, to try and cover the blue.  I had some pain relief as I was in agony, and Natasha put my colour on.  After she washed it off and trimmed my hair. We could see that the brown didn’t cover the blue.  It was still there.  We can’t explain it but we’re just going to have to bare with it and deal with it.

I picked up the flowers, went to collect Daz from school and we went home.  I dropped Daz off and went around to see Marie.  As I pulled up she was outside with her son.  So I gave her the flowers and we went to hers for a cup of tea.  She seemed to be coping very well.  Her son seems nice enough, I had my cup of tea and made my excuses.  She had a lot to do and her son wanted to get away to his badminton game.  So I gave her a big hug and told her that if she needed anything at all, no matter, what the time of day or night, she was to telephone and I’d be there for her.

Back at home I took collected Daz and took him to work and then went to Suzies to pick Bailey Bop up.  At Suzies I was in a lot of pain again.  I was struggling and needed to get home to have some more.  Back at home I made chips and smoked sausage for Bailey and lasagne and chips for mike.  After that I made my soup and sat down to eat.  After my soup I ran a bath.  I filled it as deep as I could and as hot as possible and got in.  It was lovely.  My aches and pains just faded away.  Mike came up and took off my steri-strips, you can see all the bruising now and the scars are really neat.  The bath was a welcome luxury. And I felt fantastic after it.  But it took me ages to get out of it.  I felt like an old woman, needing help to get out of the bath. 

Just as I’d got ready Sue telephoned me and said that she was free for me to go over and have my underarms waxed and my eyebrows waxed.  So I went over in my PJ’s with my housecoat on.  I was de-haired and Sue helped me get off her beauty couch.  Once I’d lay down I couldn’t get back up.  I knew basic movements would be difficult but I didn’t think that it was going to be this difficult.  I hate having to rely on others, as I’m so independent.

I went home watched some TV with Daz.  Mike went to bed and left us too it. 


Thursday 5^th May 2011

What did I eat today?

Breakfast   -       Banana Slim Fast Shake 200ml
Lunch        -       Tomato & Basil Cup a Soup 200ml, slice of oatmeal bread & butter

Dinner       -       Chicken Cup a Soup

-                   ½ Muller Light Toffee Yoghurt

Again, this morning I was awoke very early, 3am to be precise.  Just as well I’d taken pain relief and juice up to my bed with me.  I eventually got myself up and put the tablets in to the juice and waited for them to dissolve.  I then went to the toilet and got back into bed.  The next thing I knew it was 8am.  I shouted on Bailey Bop and he came up from the living room and got dressed.  I got myself sorted and then made his breakfast as he’d be too late for breakfast club now.  I had to get Daz up as he’d slept in for school, he argued with me as he wanted to stay at home.  Why can’t teenagers see that school is the best place for them?  If they miss too much school then they’ll struggle later on in life.  All he did was argue with me.  I lost my rag and told him to be ready for me getting back from walking Bailey to school.  I would then walk him to the bus stop.  I know his intentions are all good.  But he needs to be in school, it’s the best place for him.

I popped into the Co-op and got some bits, I struggled with them back to the house as the bag was heavy.  I should have let them drop it around when the van did the run.  I will know for next time.  Back at the house, I washed and dried all the dishes, made the beds and tided up the living room.  I didn’t hoover, Mike would have to do this when he gets in from work.  I had my slim fast shake and sat and watch homes under the hammer.  I went on my PC for a bit and checked my blog.  I have had over 1200 hits in just over a month.  I can’t believe so many people are actually reading about me.  What is so interesting?  Some of them are in Russia, Denmark, United States, how did they find out about my blog?  Maybe if you are reading this, you could comment and let me know how you found my blog and why you are continuing to read it?

I made my lunch at about 1pm, more pain relief and a few burps and farts later and I seemed okay.  I’ve got a dose of the runs, I think it’s to do with the surgery, but I checked the WLS booklet and if confirmed what I thought.  So I’m not worried.  I lay on the sofa at about 2:30pm and the next thing I knew it was 4:30pm and Daz was coming in from school.  He helped me up and off the sofa as I couldn’t get up and I went into the kitchen and made dinner for Mike and the boys.  Tomato and bacon pasta, topped with grated cheese and slices of tomato with frikadelen and garlic bread.  Then Daz went to collect Bailey Bop with Oscar and Mike picked me up and we went to vote. 

I had a call from Colleen at WLS Group.  She wanted to check how I was getting on and how I was feeling.  I told her about the pain that I was in and she said that if the pain gets any worse then I must call the 24 helpline.  I said that I definitely would and that apart from the pain I was okay. 

We watched Fringe which we’d recorded last night and then after that I locked up put all the cups and glasses into the kitchen and went to bed.

So following on from blog 9; 

Eventually, my CO let me have some leave at the beginning of September, and I went home for what should have been 2 weeks.  Back in Edinburgh, my little sister Lea was at home.  I hadn’t been feeling well for some time I hadn’t had a period since prior to my rape.  Lea told me to buy a pregnancy test and check.  So we went to the chemist and did that.  To my shock I was pregnant.  I sat down and cried.  I couldn’t have this baby, as I’d be thrown out of the Army.  Women at that time were not allowed to have children and stay in.  Also, would I ever love this baby?  Would I look at it and love this baby or would it constantly remind me of what had happened to me.  I didn’t have anyone to talk too so I telephoned Helen. 

Helen is a family friend who has known me since I was 4 years old.  She has always been very understanding and always been there for me to talk to as a child and young adult.  Helen came down to the house and I told her what had happened.  I told her that I was now pregnant because of this and I was frightened to tell “That Man” and my mum was at work and couldn’t get away.  She stayed with me until my mum came home from work and also “That Man”.  We contacted the Army Careers Office which I had joined through and they in turn contacted the Army Medical Officer and the RMP (Royal Military Police).

I went for my medical and the MO (Medical Officer) confirmed that I was pregnant.  He asked me what I wanted to do.  I told him that I didn’t want the baby as; I didn’t feel that I could ever love it and that it would be a constant reminder of what the soldier had done to me.  I have always been very anti abortion, but in the true light of the day and my thoughts and feelings of my situation I had to do this.  I could never love this child and if I were to have it, but give it away, I would still have to give up my army career.  I would then always wonder if the child would look to find me later on in life.  Then how would I feel and how would that child feel at being told that they were the final result of rape and that I didn’t want them so that was why they had been given up for adoption.  I didn’t want that on my conscious.  I had to have an abortion and that was the end of it.

I was sent to see the consultant at the Edinburgh Royal Infirmary.  They had to be sure that I was making the right decision.  I was also 12 weeks on and they had to be sure that they could do this.  After lots of talking and back and forth they agreed that this was the right decision and agreed to my termination.  The only thing was that they would keep the foetus for DNA testing and evidence for my case against the soldier which had raped me.  I was taken into the day ward and I was first in for the op.  When I came out I was put on a ward with other women who had lost babies and had elected to have terminations due to complications.  I was dreading the attitude of the nurses as I’d been told by friends that young girls like me who were having terminations were treated very badly.  I was only 19 and having an abortion.  Would they treat me horribly?  No, they didn’t, the nurses were all very attentive and supportive.  They had all been fully informed about my situation and were very kind, caring and understanding.  I wasn’t one of the standard silly little girls who hadn’t taken precautions and had fallen pregnant by accident and just didn’t want this baby.

The surgeon came to see me afterwards and let me know that the termination went well and that they had sent the foetus to the lab and gave me all the details which I need to know for the RMP.  I got out of the hospital that evening and was taken back home to mum and “That Man’s” house.  Tanya and Lisa didn’t know anything about this, only Lea did.  It was really bizarre that Lea at only 15 knew more about pregnancy tests than I did.  I was the older sister and should have known better, but as mum has always said, “All brains and no common sense”.

After the surgery, I had to relive everything all over again.  I spent 3 days at the RMP offices at Edinburgh Castle giving my statement.  I was drilled and re-drilled.  I was questioned and re-questioned.  It constantly came back to the question.  Why didn’t I report it when it had happened to me?  At first they couldn’t understand, why I hadn’t said anything, but after speaking with my family and Helen they understood that I was frightened that I wouldn’t be believed.  After, being accused at 5-6 years old of leading an old man on, what would I be accused of at 19?  Even though I‘d reported him for stalking me.  Why would anyone believe me that he’d raped me, it would be my word against his.  He was married and his wife was pregnant.  So why would he want to do such a thing to me.  The questioning went on for what seemed like forever. 

At the end of it I eventually had to go back to Cyprus.  I didn’t want to go back but had no choice.  What the Army says you must do otherwise you are disobeying a direct order.  So I reluctantly got back on the plane to Cyprus and went back.  Back at the unit, I had to have several interviews, with several officers and my Troop Commander.  They couldn’t understand why I didn’t tell them.  I told them it was because of all the bullying and nastiness in the comedy book which had been written about me and they hadn’t done anything about it.  Also, because I didn’t feel that they were approachable at all.  Life wasn’t the same.  It seemed like I had this huge cloud hanging over me and it would now follow me where ever I went.  Everything I did was put under a microscope.  I didn’t feel comfortable on the camp anymore.  They didn’t even increase the security of our block so the risk of him getting back into the block was so easy.  I didn’t want to live there anymore. 

When I first approached my Troop Commander to ask for a posting I was told that it was denied.  I couldn’t live there anymore, I hated it and everything was a constant reminder of what had happened to me.  In the end I spoke to the Padre and he help push for me to get a posting.  I wanted a posting back to the UK so that I could have counselling for my rape.  But the Army had other ideas.  I was given my posting and I was posted to 14 Signal Regiment (EW) in Celle, Germany.  It was classed as a UK posting and that was where I had to go.  I wasn’t chuffed at all.  After everything which I’d been through I had been posted to a unit which had no females.  I would be the first of 10 females to be posted into it.  How was I meant to get my counselling now?  How would I cope in this very male dominated environment?  I was soon to find out.  But first I was allowed to go back to Edinburgh to stay with my mum and “That Man” for Christmas and New Year.

Christmas was okay, strained and difficult.  I hated being in close proximity to “That Man”.  My sisters didn’t seem happy, they were always arguing.  It didn’t seem like the house which I remember from my childhood.  What was going on?  Why was everyone so unhappy?  I never to this day found out.  But the atmosphere was very strained.