Saturday 14th May 2011
What did I eat today?
Breakfast - Oat so simple apple & raspberry ½ packet
Lunch - ½ packet sweet corn soup
Dinner - 2 Potato croquettes 4 tablespoons of mince
- Strawberry Muller light yoghurt
- 3 Ginger nut biscuits
I got up today at about 8am, I sat down the stairs and had my breakfast, chatted to Mike talking through the past week. He then took the dog out and I sat and finished my 11th blog and posted it on the site. The rest of the day I caught up with the TV I’d recorded on Sky and sat on the laptop. I spent all day in my PJ’s as I was so tired and couldn’t be bothered to get dressed. Lazy I know but I do so enjoy my PJ days every now and again. I shouldn’t knock myself as I’m only 2 ½ weeks post op and I feel that I’ve come a long way since the surgery on the 27th April. All day I just lazed on the sofa. I had my dinner and then went to lay on my bed to watch TV. So really, I’ve not got much to tell you all about today. So I shall sign off and speak to you all tomorrow.
Sunday 15th May 2011
What did I eat today?
Breakfast - ½ packet of Oat so simple apple & raspberry
Lunch - ½ packet of sweet corn soup, slice of brown bread no crusts
Dinner - 2 tbl spns Mashed potato, 2 tbl spns carrots, 1 tbl spn cauliflower cheese and 4 tbl spns lamb Gravy
- Vanilla Muller light yoghurt
- 3 Ginger nut biscuits
I got up and had a lovely long hot shower and washed my hair. I then went down the stairs to see Mike doing all the ironing of the boys school uniform and his work clothes. Then Mike went to walk the dog and I got to work tiding up the kitchen and putting away the clothes.
Daz deep cleaned the bathroom for me and emptied all the bins and put the bin bags out for the bin men. Bailey bop did all the recycling and helped me to tidy up his bedroom. It took a couple of hours but his room looks very clean, tidy and dog hair free. I don’t know why but the dog loves to lay on his bed and look out the window.
We had lunch and just sat and chatted and caught up on what has happened over the past week and stuff. Mike made dinner for him and the boys’, I had some of the potato cakes, veg and gravy.
We sat down with Bailey Bop and helped him with his homework. He had spellings, maths and reading. I was happily shocked that he had 12 words to learn for a change and not 3 or 5 as normally is the case. He got 9 out of 12 correct and struggled with 3 words, but we will get him there. The first half of his maths he found the first section very easy but struggled with the second section. As for his reading I was pleasantly surprised at the level of book which they had given him. It was level 6 and not level one which he had been given the week before. He read the first 10 pages and tried very hard, sounding out all his words which were very difficult. I’m very proud of him as he is trying really hard. We then watched Country file and it was off to bed for Bailey.
Mike and I watched some TV then went off to bed. I haven’t done a great deal today, but I’m really tired. I don’t know what is wrong with me I just don’t seem to have any energy at all.
Monday 16th May 2011
What did I eat today?
Breakfast - Golden syrup Oat so simple
Lunch - ½ tin of Macaroni Cheese
Dinner - Tin of Broccoli, Stilton and Bacon Soup
- Mint Choc Chip Magnum Ice Lolly
We got up bright and early, took Bailey Bop to school and walked the dog. Back at home I got on with tiding up the house. I cleaned the kitchen and did the dishes. I hovered the hall stairs and kitchen. I didn’t attempt to hover the living room rug as it really hurt the last time. I made the beds, tidied up the bathroom and opened all the windows in the house. I then sat down to have my breakfast and watch some breakfast TV. I do like Homes Under the Hammer and Don’t Get Done Get Dom. Sad I know but what else am I to do? I then brought in the washing and put it all away. I prepared wedges and stuff for dinner for Mike and the boys, then prepared my lunch.
I had a call from Atkinsons builders reference the extension for Bailey. Also, from Anthony Tinkler Builders reference the roof and extension. I need the letter from next door to allow them to go ahead with the roof. Also, my quotes will be through shortly for me to take into Trish Breen at the Council. The sooner we can get the extension on the sooner life will be even easier for Bailey. Also, we will be able to move the dining table into the conservatory so that we can all eat as a family around the table.
I then popped to Bailey Bops school, to find out about whether or not he would be able to attend the football training, being held at the school by Kendal Football Club? I spoke with the trainers and they have said that he can gladly attend the training with them next week. He was chuffed to bits. I was pleased for him.
Back at home I sat down and had a little cry to myself. I thought that I would be feeling better in myself and not so tired. I’m beginning to get withdrawal symptoms at not being able to get to the gym. I can’t go until I’ve had my 4 week post op check with Wendy from WLS Group. It’s beginning to get me down and weepy. Is it just post op blues? I hope so. It’s my Birthday tomorrow and I think that has a little to do with it. I’m 38 tomorrow and it’s like my life is running away with itself and I can’t seem to catch it. I feel that I’m nearly forty and what have I done with my life!
I made dinner and then sat down with Bailey to do his reading and his spellings. Daz is still unhappy with me, as I’ve curtailed his access to the internet. He is only allowed online for 2 hours per night, 7-9pm. I’m worried about who he is talking to and what is going on the site he is on. I have spoken with the local police, but as usual they can’t do anything unless a crime has been committed. So it’s going to take for him to run away from home or for him to be groomed or forced into doing stuff online, which he thinks is acceptable for them to sit up and listen to me. Why do police and authorities figures think that we’re just over exaggerating mothers? Why can’t the just accept that a mothers gut instinct isn’t usually wrong? I’m sick and tired of having to fight every local authority figure when I have a genuine issue or concern. If it’s not paediatricians’, OT’s or doctors. It’s Police, councils and MP’s, it’s completely draining and frustrating. So I’ve got a grumpy 15 year old, who is having withdrawal symptoms and hates, me life and the big wide world.
I caught up with my e-mails tonight and also, my future business bookings. I need to still bring in some money this year but not looking at doing anything until September. Hopefully I can get some more training with children and adults with additional needs. I find it so much more fun and exciting and also find that they want to learn and enjoy it. I get so much more from working with this group of people, more than I ever did working for big companies, which really only paid lip service to this type of work and really weren’t interested.
It was about 10:30pm by the time I finished, so I gave my mum a call and caught up with her. I’ve got a long day ahead of me tomorrow so I need to get to bed and get some sleep.
Tuesday 17th May 2011
What did I eat today?
Breakfast - Oatibix porridge apple and raspberry
Lunch - Homemade Chicken Soup
Dinner - ½ packet of cous cous thai style and 8 tubes of pasta with tomato sauce
- 10 cheese Doritos and 1 tbl spn of humous dip
Well today I’m the big “38”. The morning routine was as normal but the boys came down the stairs and gave me my birthday cards. Daz also, gave me Pinks Greatest Hits CD, with my song “Fucking Perfect” on it. He said that he remembered me saying that I wanted that song so he bought it for me. So for all that he thinks I’m the mother from hell at the moment, by giving me the gift he does still say to me that he does still love me even though he doesn’t really like me at the moment. Bailey made me a homemade card at Suzies, it was lovely.
I then took Bailey to school and walked the dog. Had my breakfast and then went round to Wasdale to pick little Marie up to go to Carlisle shopping for the day. I didn’t want to sit in the house all day. So it was a welcome break from sitting at home all day doing nothing. Marie is such a lovely little lady and I so feel for her, since she has lost her husband. She has also had to give her little dog, Katie, back to Eden Animal Rescue as she was too poorly for Marie to look after. So she is very vulnerable at the moment. She got into the car and gave me a card. Inside were two lovely cotton handkerchiefs and a lovely card, which I thanked her for. We set off for Carlisle and parking in the Lanes.
We parked up and headed into the shops. First I popped to the Cumberland Building Society to put in a cheque which Bailey had been given for his birthday. While there I took out £100 to buy him the new Carlisle United football strip. Then we went to several shops which Marie wished to visit. She wanted shoes and struggles as she is only a 2½, which are very hard to come by. But luckily, we found some in TK Maxx.
Next we went for a coffee at Costa Coffee. It was a welcome break as I was beginning to get tired. I ordered a medium latte for me and a small for Marie with a little bag of shortbread minis’. I couldn’t drink all my latte. I now need to only order a small. My stomach can’t cope with the volume any more. Then we went into Monsoon and I bought myself some linen trousers and 2 tops all in a size 18. I was on cloud nine and very happy with myself. I can’t remember when the last time I comfortably fitted into a size 18 top or trousers. It really made my day. We then went to a couple of other shops and bought some bits and bobs. I was becoming quite tired again, so we went and had lunch and a drink.
After lunch we went to Debenhams looking for a lilac skirt for Marie, but we weren’t having much luck at all. Then she noticed a lovely waterproof jacket in the Maine section of the store. It was a size 18 and I really liked it. But I said to her that it wouldn’t fit. She told me to try it on, so I did. It fitted, and looked good on, so I bought it. It was reduced from £75 to £22.50, but when I got to the till it was only £18, bargain of the day. I couldn’t have foreseen a better outcome. After that we headed to the Millies cookies booth and then back to the car. It was 3:30pm and we’d been gone for hours. Before we hit the motorway to come back home, I popped into the Carlisle United Football shop, and bought Bailey Bop 2 full strips, the home and away, at a cost of £106. I feel that this is too expensive for a strip for a little boy, £53, where do they get there costing from? Put football on it and the clubs think that they can rip you off. They know you’re children are going to want to follow their team and then there’s the pressure to get the newest and up to date strip.
On the journey back home, my little sis Lisa called and my niece and nephew proceeded to sing Happy Birthday to me down the telephone. It was really lovely. Back at Shap I dropped Marie off and headed home. As I pulled up outside, my neighbour called me over, she had taken receipt of a bouquet of flowers and a bottle of rose wine for me. They were from my mum and were totally lovely. I popped into the house and you’d have thought that I’d left the dog for days, he went totally mental. I then made dinner for Mike and the boys, meatballs in a tomato sauce, pasta and garlic bread.
After dinner we all caught up with each other’s day. It was so nice to just sit and chat. Then Suzie came around with a birthday card for me. After that I went to Sues to have my file and polish, as my nail varnish was all chipped and needed re-done. Back home I watched some TV then it was off to bed as I had another busy day tomorrow and I was very tired.
Wednesday 18th May 2011
What did I eat today?
Breakfast - 8 mini Oatibixs and skimmed milk
Lunch - Homemade Broccoli & Stilton Soup
Dinner -
So it is the day after my birthday, and it’s back to reality with a bump. I’m very apprehensive about today. It’s the day of the photo shot for the member of the Month at Elite Fitness. I have to be in the gym for 11am as the photographer is coming in at 11:30am. I need to get into my gym gear which I haven’t worn for just over 3 weeks now and I’m wary, cautious and a little worried on how I am going to look. Even though I know that I’ve lost weight I don’t want to look like a fat frump in my gear. I suppose I can’t look any worse than I did 8 weeks ago when I joined the gym.
So it was Bailey off to school, the dog walked and the morning chores carried out. I telephoned the hairdressers (Beautiques Hair & Beauty) and asked her if she could do my hair, well I do want to look my ultimate best in the photo. She said that she could fit me in and I was to be there for 10:30am, so I got myself sorted, had my breakfast, packed my gym bag and headed into Penrith. At the hairdressers Natasha, did my hair and it looked good. She was finished by 11am and I headed to the Gym.
As I walked in the front door, Emma was on the telephone. Once she finished her call she came around the counter and gave me a big hug, it is like I’ve never been away. I so love the buzz and energy I get as soon as I walk through the door. It reiterates how much I want to be back here training again, but I can’t until my review appointment. Emma said that I looked good and she could tell how much weight I’d lost it just a short time. She was so chuffed for me and proud of me. I popped through to the changing rooms and got into my kit. I had butterflies in my stomach, dare I look in the mirror? I was so worried that I’d look as big as mama cass. I pulled on my ¾ pants and then looked in the mirror! I didn’t feel as though as I looked any different. Am I only seeing what I want to see? Is this all just in my head? I finished getting ready and put some lip gloss, eye liner and mascara on. Then it was through to the front desk. I took with me the fitness brochure and the e-mail from Rob at WLS Group. It would then help Lee and Steve to put together a new fitness plan for me starting back next Wednesday.
The photographer from the Cumberland & Westmorland Herald was waiting at the reception with the writer of the article. So we headed into the main gym area to have the photographs taken. I was asked to sit on one of the fitness balls holding dumb bells, with Steve and Lee supporting me. Then it was big smiles all around. I’m your typical female, I hate my photograph being taken, I’m dreading the picture in the paper in just over a weeks’ time. After the photos were taken I spoke with the writer of the article and I’d already sent him a load of answers to questions which he’d sent me. Then it was back into the changing room to get dressed again. I stopped in he reception for a little bit talking with Emma, Lee and Steve.
I then headed off to The Lounge for lunch with Val, Bailey’s family support worker. It was really lovely to speak with her and catch up with everything which is going on with her and her job. Food was lovely and enjoyable; I can honestly say that I’ve never had a bad meal in there. Portions are always well worth the money. I then headed home.
Back at home there was mail waiting for me. As I opened the mail, I was shocked to receive a letter from Olympia Publishers say that they would like for me to send them a full hard copy of my blogs and a copy in word format on disc, as they were interested in potentially publishing this as a book. You could have blown me over with a feather. I know that everyone has kept saying to me to publish it as a book but I didn’t think anyone would be interested in my life. I’m all excited and apprehensive all at the same time. How do I know that I’ll get the right deal for my book? How do I know that they are the right publishers to go with? I’ll really need to look into this.
I made dinner and got everything sorted for the evening. We then all got sorted and settled down to watch some TV and catch up with each other day.
So following on from blog 10;
When I arrived in the Falklands it was very cold and covered in snow. The place looked bleak and uninviting. No real character about the place just loads of wood and brick buildings, dark as the night sky or grey as a solitude rock. Where had I come too? Why had I volunteered for such a drab and drear posting? I know, because I wanted to save money for my wedding, which was not called off and I still didn’t know why.
I was taken to the unit where I was to work. It was called JSSU (FI), or the Joint Services Signals Unit Falkland Islands, which was out of the main camp area and on its’ own in the middle of nowhere. There I was introduced to all the lads and lassies which I’d be working with and the desk which would be my responsibility for the next 4 months. Then I was taken to our accommodation. We didn’t have rooms or our own. There were 4 women to a room so no privacy and it was very basic. On the Falklands there were only about 120 women to over 3000 men. To some it was a paradise, you could have your pick and choose of who you wanted to be with. I, at first wasn’t interested in anyone. All I wanted to know was why had Jonathan called off the wedding and our relationship? I tried calling him every day but he wouldn’t accept my calls. I wrote to him every night for the first 3 weeks and then the letter came, from him, which would answer my questions.
He loved me but couldn’t marry me. He felt that he was still too young and that we were miles apart in military terms that we would never ever be posted together. His mum didn’t like me and he would have to choose between us, and he felt that he couldn’t break his mothers heart after all that she’d given him and done for him, since his adoption as a child. His mother wanted a woman for him that would stay at home, cook, clean and do his laundry. Then be a baby making machine so that she could have grandchildren. This was something, which I wasn’t prepared to do, at this moment of time in my life. I was too young to have children; I was still a child myself. I was only just beginning to enjoy life and have the benefit of having fun and not worry about having to go home and be subjected to “That Man”. I was free and I need to stay that way from any real responsibilities.
In some respects looking back on it now, he was right. I wasn’t ready to get married I think that I just wanted someone to love me for who I was and not what they could get from me. I felt safe with him and after things not working out between Mac and I then I was looking for Love, but was I looking in the right places?
Life in the Falklands was fantastic. We had weekly Gozomies, when people were posted out of the unit and theme nights, which were always funny and entertaining. I hit the party scene there like I’d never partied in my life. I was out 6 nights a week and only stayed in on a Monday night as I didn’t like the bar which everyone went to on that night it was called JCUFI’s (Joint Communications Unit Falkland Island). I used to catch up with my washing, ironing and letter writing back home to my mum. I had grown into a party animal, then one morning I met a man in our toilets. His name was Paul, and he was a Plumber, a civilian contractor living on the island to maintain all the plumbing. He seemed rather sweet and he invited me to their bar, which was really unheard of, as there bar was the only one on the island which we were able to get spirits at unless we were, SNCO’s or Officers. Or, there was the hotels and bars in Stanley which we could get spirits from but that was a huge drive from the base to Stanley and it was also expensive to stop over there for a weekend. So I gladly accepted his offer and went.
From then on I started seeing him. Not on a regular basis, only when I could be bothered. Then one night at the Engineers bar I was introduced to a lad called Paul, yes you heard it another Paul. We hit it off as well so we agreed that we’d start seeing one another. Now, I hear you say, aren’t you already seeing a Paul? Well yes I was and to be quite honest I couldn’t care that I was seeing both of them. Paul the plumber was only when I could be bothered and Paul the Engineer was on a more everyday basis. Naughty I know, but that’s just how I was feeling and if I could do it and get away with it then why not. I was eating like a pig, and was struggling to get clothes to fit me. I decided that I didn’t want to go back home for Christmas so I asked my OC to extend my tour by 4 more months. My OC said that they wouldn’t extend me by 4 months but I could have another 2 months. So I stayed in the Falklands until February 1994.
Down the Falklands, all I did was drink and eat. After, 6 months away I’d gone up to a size 18 and was struggling with what clothes I did have to fit me. At the end of the 6 months I went home and took Engineer Paul with me. I wasn’t allowed to stay at home so we went to stay at a friend’s flat. I wasn’t again made to feel welcome and well I really didn’t want to know or care. After, my leave I had to go back to 14 Sig Regt in Germany. Back in Germany I found out I was pregnant, I rang Paul to tell him and he was happy. He said that we should get some leave and speak about getting married. Then, 3 weeks later I had a miscarriage. I was gutted. I telephoned Paul to let him know and he was too. I said to him that there was no reason now why we should get married and that the distance between us would not work. I said to him that this had happened for a reason and that it was maybe for the best. He agreed with me and we left it at that. It may sound quite surreal how I went about this, but it was just my way of dealing with the situation. Head down and just get on with it.
So, back in Germany, I settled into my normal work routine. I got stuck into the fitness side and slowly started losing the weight again back to a size 16 again. I was made the senior female of the block for our squadron and was allocated a 2 man, room to myself. I made it into a mini bedsit. I had 2 large wardrobes, 2 sets of drawers, a king-size bed, 2 comfy chairs, coffee table, bookshelf, storage unit and a large fridge freezer. I had my toaster, kettle and mini oven/grill. I made y room as homely as I could. I had my own curtains and nets for privacy and lots of lovely posters of me holding babies.
I started earning extra money by working in the Sgt’s Mess. I was helping Wynn Neesh run the dinners and balls. It was fantastic fun and I loved every minute of it. I sometimes had to go up to the Officers mess to do the same up there with the then mess manager. But I had all the money I needed extra to save to go on holiday with the girls in August to Cyprus for 2 weeks. Ayia Napa was the destination and to get totally rat arsed was the target. It wouldn’t be difficult.
I didn’t call home very often only when I really had to. I put behind me what had happened to me as a child, I put all those horrible and nasty memories, thoughts and feelings in a little box and threw it to the very back of my mind. I just wanted to get on with my life and I didn’t want to think about what had happened to me as a child. I just wanted to forget.
I started training for the BAOR Athletics, I was team captain and I was also competing in the shot and discus. It was great fun and our Sgt Major was great. He supported us all the way.
During my training, I met up with Pete. He was everything, which I thought that I wanted and needed in a man. He was 6ft 2in tall, piercing sky blue eyes, and a body to die for. We met the weekend after my birthday, my 21st birthday. He was on a course, and staying in the transit accommodation on our camp. He was a Royal Highland Fusilier and I was taken in by his dashing good looks and silver tongue. He walked me back to my room and ended up staying the night. The next again morning all the girls were trying to get into my room. They had never seen me with a man on our camp and they all wanted to know who I had in my room. In the end I had to go to the toilet and they sneaked in when I was at the loo. My secret was out I had a man in my room and he’s stayed the night. Pete was at our camp for 4 weeks so I could continue to see him and see where it went from there. In the meantime I had to continue to train for the athletics and work with the girls on training.
We did totally amazing at the athletics. We won the BAOR athletics and were then to compete in the Army Athletics in the UK. We were so chuffed and went back to the camp and partied for hours. Our Sgt Major Dickie Bird, bought us Champagne, beer and loads of other drinks to drink on the mini buses on the way back to camp. When we got back to camp we went to the NAAFI bar only to find out that is was closed. So we went into the shop and bought a carry out and sat in the bar and drunk more. At about 8pm that evening Pete came into the bar and I was out of it. In the end he had to carry me back to my room. From then on we started dating. He looked after me and that’s what I needed. We dated for months and when I went to Cyprus I had a ball with the girls.
On getting back Pete asked me to marry him. I was chuffed to bits. I said yes and we told everyone. I wanted to take him home to meet my mum but “That Man” wouldn’t let him. He and my mum had been told lots of things about him from someone who used to work with him from his battalion. They said that he was not to be trusted and that he’d never be faithful to me. But as they say, Love is blind. I certainly was to him, he was infectious. So that Christmas we stayed in Germany at Pete & Kim Gilberts. It was a fantastic Christmas and we had such a lovely time. Pete had leave from Bosnia and we made the most of the time we had together. I was due to go out to Bosnia in the January. I couldn’t wait. We could save up what money we needed for the wedding in the August and I could try and get my weight down for the wedding.
After the Christmas break I was told by my OC that I would also be going to Bosnia for 6 months. A double whammy, I could save even more money, for the wedding but I’d not have very much time on my return to make all the arrangements for the wedding. But, in the army, when you’re told to do something you have to just get on with it. So off I went to Bosnia. I was only out there 4 weeks and I got a call from my mum to say that my Grannie was dying. I had to get flown back to the UK quickly if I were to see her before she died. I got back to the UK in time to spend some time with my Grannie before she passed away. It was a very traumatic time for me as I really loved my Grannie and she had a lot to do with my upbringing as a young child. We had her funeral and it was a really lovely. It was a humorous service as my Grannie wasn’t religious at all. The service was all about her, her life, her family and her love, my Granddad “P”.
Shortly after that I had to go back to Germany. Just before I was to be posted back to Bosnia, I went to the doctors, as I was finding it hard to sleep. As with every visit to the doctors at that time, all women were routinely tested for pregnancy. I said to the medic at the time “If I’m pregnant, pigs will fly!” He came through and said to me that I should sit down. I said to him not to joke with me and tell me the results. He said, “You’re Pregnant”! You could have bowled me over with a feather. What was I going to do? What about the wedding? How far on was I? What was Pete going to say? What were my mum & “That Man” going to say? I had a hundred and one questions in my head, it was spinning and I didn’t have any of the answers. All that I could think about was that I should have been heading to Bosnia and now I wouldn’t be able to go. How was this going to affect my career and my future in the Army?
I went back to the Squadron and requested a meeting with my OC and Sgt Mjr. I told them about my pregnancy and asked what my options were? They congratulated me and said that I should go back to the block and take some time to decide what I was going to do and what action was to be taken. Off I went back to the block and sat on my bed and broke down into tears. I was just about to get married and now I would possibly be bringing a young life into the world as well. I didn’t even know how far on I was. I couldn’t tell my mum and “That Man” I would have let them down. How was I going to be able to contact Pete to let him know and ask him what we should do? I was so mixed up. I sat down and wrote a letter to my mum and “That Man” to let them know that I was pregnant and a contact number for me on the camp. I left the ball in their court for them to contact me.
No comments:
Post a Comment